Sunday, December 9, 2012

Love

Love...it's a pretty simple word, but boy does it mean a whole lot.  There are many forms of love, many faces, many meanings.  I know that I love my husband, but what does that mean?  Is it the same for everyone?  Is there a "right" way to love?

Today at church, we were learning about love and how God is love.  Without God, there is no love.  That was pretty powerful to me.  I know that I have love from God, but to think that God is love, is harder to grasp.

I have a confession to make.  They talk about how mothers love their children even before they are born...well that is true, but it was a little different for me.  It wasn't that I didn't love baby H, it was that I needed to focus on it.  It was a little less fluid for me.  It seems strange, but I think part of it was the fact that Rick wasn't here.  I didn't want to get too attached to her because he wasn't here to share in her wonderfulness.  I know that was a disservice, but I know I felt that way - although I don't think I realized it right away.  I do remember sitting in the hospital thinking, I need to love you.  Very strange.

As we grew together, it was a little easier, but it was still very strange.  I know that I felt closer to him when I was with her, but it was still weird to me.  When he came home for 2 weeks in July, it did get better, but I was still terrified of something happening to her and then where would we be.

Then, it comes back to the marriage.  I have a very good friend who said something (well her husband said it) and it has stuck with me.  He said, that the number 1 relationship is the marriage.  You will love your children unconditionally, but if the marriage is good, the rest will fall into place.  I agree with that.  I can see it in our family. 

We have a game where we have three way kisses, H loves it.  She has started pushing our heads together to kiss each other lately, I know she wants us to be her model of a good marriage.  I know she will never find anyone as good as her Daddy, but I know I also need to teach her how to be a wife that he deserves.  This is much more difficult for me.

I am not the typical mom/wife.  I work 40-50 hours/week, I go to graduate school, try to be involved in as much as I can (doesn't work out great sometimes).  Then come home and become an example for a strong independent woman.  How does that equate to a wife?  I am working on that still.  I have been working to become a more attentive wife. 

Back to love...love, love, love.  I say it very often, love is not enough.  Sometimes I feel it is so easy to say the word without really thinking about what it truly means.  What does love mean to you? 

My dad is very stingy with the word, he would tell you that himself.  We were talking one day about the song that says "overuse I love you", he disagrees strongly with that.  He does make up for it a little with the comment "have I told you lately that I love you?"  That it pretty sweet, but it is somewhat less conducive to the marriage relationship.  My mom knows what to expect from him because they have been married for 45 years, but i know it does get to her sometimes.

The one thing that I have always pledged is that I do not want to be two people sharing an address.  marriage is two way street.  There are always ups and downs, but if you are both committed to serving the other, it really does work better. 

While reading the book The Power of a Praying Wife, the very first chapter talks about how if you want him to change, be willing to change first.  It is easier for you to change yourself than to try an change someone else.  That being said, I have noticed that when I back away and stop nagging, it is more helpful.  I have also noticed that when I serve him, he serves me.  I didn't think that would happen, so I didn't do it for a long time.  It does work.

I got a book for our wedding from a very good family friend and she wrote a little note in it that has really changed my life, the book did as well.  I think of her a lot like myself and she talked about letting her husband be the man and respecting him for his position in the family.  She said it was so hard because she always thought that allowing him to be that person would be admitting weaknesses.  I felt that way.  Now, I know it is a continual process, but we are working as a team, loving each other, respecting each other, and being happy together.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Stress part 1

I haven't blogged in a little while, maybe that is one of the reasons I am so stressed.  I have so much in this head!

Today, I got our Christmas cards in the mail, I am so excited!!!  I have to write our Christmas letter so that I can get these in the mail!

I completed two baby blankets last week, but they still have to get mailed. 

I have been so busy with life.  We are getting ready to move and that is so stressful.  It is even more stressful when going overseas and dealing with the Army move.  H is going to love it, but we have to get through the transition first.  One thing that makes me so sad about the move is that I am going to wait to potty train H until we get to Germany so that we don't have to deal with regression.  I know I will not have patience with regression.

More about the stress!  I am finishing up the quarter for school.  I have to get an A on the last two assignment in order to get an A in the class...that gives me major anxiety because one of the assignments is a group project and we got a B on the last one!

In about a week, I turn 30!  I remember around this time last year, my friend Sarah started freaking out about her 30th (which didn't come until January).  I was doing fine with it until December 1st.  Ugh!  Then I was talking to my mom and she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told her not to be 30!  I know I should worry about it and I am still so young, but boy does it feel like a turning point in my life.  I still have 32 years of work left, so that isn't very encouraging.  I do want another child though and that gives me anxiety thinking about how old I will be when he/she graduates from high school.  But my mom was 34, so I can do this.

I have to say that my life is probably better than I expected it to be at 30.  When you are a kid, you are going to be married, out of college, with a job, and at least one kid by 22...I accomplished one of those things.  I graduated college at 22, and had a job, so I guess that was 2.  I didn't get married until 25 and becoming a mother until 28.  I know that isn't old, but when you are the oldest new mother on the maternity floor, it kinda hits you.

I feel like there is no excuse for being immature or making stupid decisions because we are grown and need to be true adults.  I know that is also very stupid, but yet how I feel. 

I am going to have to continue to work on letting go.  There is nothing I can do to stop December 14th from getting here.  I cannot do anything to stop time, or even slow it down.  So I am going to enjoy what I have and look forward to what will come.  I have an amazing family, job, life.  I am going to take a few deep breaths, pour myself a glass of wine and continue watching the Wonder Pets with my little family.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Change and letting go

Life is uncertain now and, as those of you who know me know, this is driving me crazy!!!!  I love the chance to move, meet new people, show H more of the world, and expand our lives!  I am terrified about finding a house, getting all our stuff there, and FINDING A JOB!!

So, while in this craziness, I am dealing with my crabby baby missing her daddy.  I know that life is great and we have so much to be thankful for.  I am so thankful for so many things.  I have a lot to do, think about, plan, not worry about, and all that. 

I gave my resume to our director to ask her to think of forwarding it to the people who work in the same type office as we do, just over there.  I also am applying for a job I found online there too.  I don't know, just all this uncertainty makes my stomach hurt.

I will focus on the positive though because that is what I need to do.  I have been selling a TON of our stuff and have more to sell.  The money is nice, but it is a double edge sword.

It is extremely hard for me to let go of things.  I am not real sure where this comes from.  I really hate that I assign sentimental value to things that don't need to have that assigned.  I broke down over selling the car seat, I am possessive over H's old clothes that she cannot wear anymore, I have a whole rubbermaid tub of wedding stuff that I don't even know why I have, like a table cloth that has stained over the last 3 years.  I need to let go!

I like off loading, I know we are going to have a small space, so I need to downsize.  I think the ironfistedness may be attributable to living in the same house my whole life.  H is about to move more than I did as a child, and she isn't even 2.  Maybe I want to keep all our things close because I want her to have childhood things and to be able to have memories.  I know she will have that all over, just have to think of it as an adventure.

Anyway, I am off to get more sleep so that I can be better rested to handle all this stress and anxiety :)  

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Positive Thinking

We have all heard how positive thinking helps those who are sick to recover, or recover faster.  Why is it that we disregard this so easily in our daily life?  Why is it so easy to get bogged down in the negative.

It is currently November 2012.  Everyday this month, I and many of my friends, have been posting what we are thankful for each day on Facebook.  Why do we just wait for November?

Today is actually Veteran's Day.  What does that mean?  That means, today is a special day to set apart a small portion of our time to thank a veteran who sacrificed for our freedom.  According to usmilitary.com, "Many Americans mistakenly believe that Veterans Day is the day America sets aside to honor American military personnel who died in battle or as a result of wounds sustained from combat. That's not quite true. Memorial Day is the day set aside to honor America's war dead.
Veterans Day, on the other hand, honors ALL American veterans, both living and dead. In fact, Veterans Day is largely intended to thank LIVING veterans for dedicated and loyal service to their country."
 
These men and women dedicated themselves for loyal service to their country!  That means something to me.  As the wife of one, that is pretty spot on!  My husband is dedicated to his job and his country.  I cannot have anything but pride for that!
 
So, how does that affect my positive thinking?  I will admit, I suffer a lot from negative self talk.  I know that I have a long way to grow on feeling good enough and doing the right thing.  However, I do know how important positive thinking is.
 
I was talking to my mom the other day about depression.  We talked about being happy where you are and the only one who can get you there is YOU!  I know that is really hard to do that, but it is possible. 
 
I remember going through panic attacks and depression while Rick was deployed.  Before he was going I remember talking to my mom about the fact that he was going to a country with people who's job is was to kill him, and they had never met him.  This was terrifying.
 
How do you get over that?  I started thinking of the WWII wives who didn't even know if their husband was alive, where he was, what was happening, or anything of the like.  This gave me strength knowing that if they could do it, I could do it.
 
I have been told that since I like Army life, my experiences and thought process about the Army is different.  I would say, it doesn't have to be.  Even if you hate the situation you are in, you have to look at what you can change about it.  I knew that I could not bring Rick home, so I had to accept him being gone.  I knew I couldn't go home to be by family all the time because I had to work, so I started to find things here that brought enjoyment.  I started hanging out with positive people who would help keep my mind off things that were terrible and also understand my fear of Rick not coming home alive.
 
My dad calls these people "attic people".  I love that idea.  He says that you need to hang around attic people rather than basement people.  I know, personally, it is easy for me to be a basement person, so I have to focus on the positive. 
 
Positive thinking also helps in a marriage.  When I stopped focusing on where Rick fell short and started to focus on where he exceeds my expectations, we formed a much happier marriage. 
 
My goal this week is to focus on the positive, be slow to anger, and abounding in love.  I know tomorrow is going to be hard because Rick is going to leave again.  Halaina will be a wreck because she will feel abandoned, but I have to focus on the great weekend we had, the fact that he is growing as a person while he is gone, and that he will be home again in 10 days for another weekend.  It is easy to focus on the fact that he has been gone most of the last month and will be gone for most of the rest of this month, but I know he misses us as much as we do him and we can do nothing to change the situation, so I am not going to worry about it.
 
Positive thinking!  It's essential to any life.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Post Election

Caution!  This is an opinion piece and if you do not like the opinion, I am sorry.

Today is the day after the 2012 presidential election.  I woke up to a text from my very best friend Laura saying "did you see the election results?" to which I replied, Nope, fell asleep.  Just a little background, Laura and I have very similar political beliefs. 

I immediately went to Facebook, but it wasn't loading.  So, I went to Google and googled "2012 election results" there is was, President Barack Obama, with 303 electoral votes.  Ugh.  I replied to Laura, That sucks.

I have to explain why I said that.  I have a degree in Political Science, so I am very connected to the importance of voting.  I also understand the limitations on what a president can actually do.  I know that a lot of the things presidential candidates claim they will do x, y, and z, but only really the authority to change w.  One thing presidents do though is appoint a cabinet, those people do make a difference.

So, why was I disappointed in the choice of the nation?  I had a conversation with a few different friends, and I have said pretty much the same thing each time.  I felt I knew who I was going to vote for before the first debate.  After the first debate, I was certain. 

Some of the reasons I decided to vote for Romney:
-my pay has been frozen for the last 2 years and is scheduled to be frozen again this year.  Why does that matter?  At least I have a job.  That is very true, but when they froze our pay the first time, it was January of 2010.  In January 2010, the average gas price was $2.67/gallon, the average price for a gallon of milk was $2.79.  In January 2011, the average gas price was $3.52/gallon, the average price of a gallon of milk was $3.96.  In 2012, the average gas price was $3.97/gallon, the average price of a gallon of milk was $3.63.  So as you can see, having your pay frozen does affect people.

-My husband is a soldier, Obama is planning to cut 100,000 troops.  That is a big deal, if my husband does not have a job, our income goes down drastically, plus we will have to pay almost 15 times more in health insurance (probably more than that), we will pay more for our rent, and go through the stress of an unemployed family member.

-No worries though because unemployment has been extended to like 2 years.  The unemployment rate is at almost 9%, and the lets add 100,000 discharged soldiers to that number and see how easy it is to get a job

-Why is it hard to get a job, Obama is not small business friendly.  When creating his requirements, such as Obamacare, he penalizes small businesses.  If the business cannot afford the employees they have, they are not going to be hiring anyone, vet or not.

-Obamacare!  UGH!  I have a huge problem with socialist health care.  I have lived in Germany twice now, about to be three times.  I have gone to the German doctor and waited in the waiting room for hours for a doctor who doesn't really care the difference in people or illnesses because they get paid the same regardless.  The quality of care is less.  Oh, and again, the attack on the small business owner.

-I didn't know much about this until our pastor talked about it at church one Sunday and I started listening a little closer.  No one in the history of the world has survived taking on Israel.  The US is starting to have strained relations with Israel.  that does not fair well for us.

-Immigration, the fact that we are allowing work permits when we don't have enough jobs for our people.

-Bailouts.  Really, I do not agree with the idea that anything is too big to fail.  We have gone through a depression before and everyone was poor.  Why is that not the case now.

The list goes on.

One thing that has really frustrated me is the idea that I don't like this presidential candidate because of his skin color.  That could not be further from the truth.  I do not care what color you are, if you are the wrong choice for our country, I am not going to vote for you.  I do not think his policy is like others.  I think he double speaks, I question his values, and I dislike the fact that he doesn't seem transparent.

I think it is very interesting that Romney won more states, and most of the Midwest, middle states.  I know many people hate the electoral college, but I do see the need for it, so that everyone has a somewhat fair shake.  I do wish more states did like Maine does with dividing the electoral votes by congressional district so that things like Ohio don't happen.  Most of Ohio voted Red, but the cities voted Blue.

I don't think the new president will be any different than he was last, possibly worse. 

I am also very disappointed with those on both sides of this vote.  Those that voted for Romney are very upset with the ending result.  I agree that it is disappointing, but we need to be gracious losers.  But the Obama supporters must have forgotten how they reacted when Bush 2 was reelected in 2004.  It seemed there were pretty much exactly the same comments after that election.  I think it is terrible to sling mud at either of them.

I fear our future.  I am afraid of a depression, revolution, attack, etc.  I am about to move to Germany where the dollar is only worth .73 Euros.  This is devastating since we are paid in dollars. 

That is all I am going to say.  I did not get a new boss last night, so I will press on with the boss I have had.  I will do the best I can to be the best citizen I can.  I am going to contact my congress people to express what I feel should change.  I will continue to be proud to be an American, but I will be cautious of our future. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Being a grown-up

I was watching a new show the other day and thought it was pretty funny.  She has a voice over about what she is thinking in her head while she is engaging in the rest of the world.  She made a pretty insightful conclusion.  She was talking about how in high school you cannot wait to grow up and get rid of the anxiety and feeling stupid (self conscious).  But once you are grown up, you still have all those feelings and even more anxiety and feeling stupid for actually having those feelings.

Oiy.  My dad used to tell us ALL THE TIME!  The only thing harder than growing up is being grown up.  Boy is he right.

There are 12,000 things I think about, almost simultaneously.  I know I should let it rest and not worry, but that is so much easier said than done.

Today at church we sang one of my fav songs "all I have is yours".  That is what I want to be able to pledge, but fall short so many times.

I know I can only do what I can do.  The serenity prayer is comforting to me, try to change the things I can change!  I know life is about to change in such a huge way, but I am excited to see where it goes.  I know there is a purpose for everything and I can't wait to find it.

I'm so very thankful for my support system and all my great family and friends!  I really would be certifiable without you!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

my perfect baby

Today has been a fun filled adventure.  First, Halaina ended up in our bed and Rick in her bed for half the night.  That was not wonderful.  Then she was up and running around, knocking things around.  When we got up, it was potty training time!!!  She has done great so far.

Now, she is in the backyard with her wonderful daddy raking leaves.  We are trying to do things with her to help foster learning, fine and gross motor skills are the focus today.

I know I have written about it before, but mothers really do compare their children to each other.  Even if they do not mean to, or say they don't care, it nags at us.  I read a Facebook status this morning about my friend's 20 month old (2 months older than H) who can count to 10 and point out all the letters of the alphebet.  I started thinking of H...she can count to 3 and yep, that's about it.  I know H is good at other things, but I still compare her to kids and think I am failing.

I took her to her 18 month well baby appointment and she is pretty on target (even if I embelished just a little on her accomplishments).  I have noticed she has learned so much more since she transitioned to the 18-36 month room at daycare.  That was a good move for her.

There are so many people how have children with illnesses and other type problems.  I feel it is important for us to remember that we are blessed with healthy children, even if they develope differently.  I know that H is a crockpot, not a microwave, so I should not be suprised when it takes her a little longer to commit to something.

The bottomline is that she is my baby and I love her:)

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The possiblities

I have already been accused of overthinking things, so here it is again!

My husband doesn't like our business out on the street, so I work hard on being careful what I write about.  Sometimes that means I leave things out or rephrase them to avoid a fight later.  He has always told me that he is my biggest fan.  He told me the other day that the reason he hasn't been on Facebook as much lately is because his favorite blogger stopped writing, so there was no reason to log on!

Here goes some open and honest communication...for what it's worth.

Rick has been in the Army for 3 years (well, it will be on October 6th).  That means his re-enlistment window opens next week.  For those not familiar with the Army, a year from the end of your contract, you can re-enlist.  Rick signed up for 4 years, so it is time to decide the next phase.

Those of you know how much I HATE anticipation!!!  I also don't like change much (although I get tired of the same old thing...I know, I'm strange!). We are looking at our options.  I thought we had come to a conclusion as to where we were going to go!  It was a leap of faith for me because I was not secured a job if we went there.  Last week, Rick came home and said we could go anywhere and then asked, "so, where do you want to go?"  Really??  We already decided this, I already had our new house (in my mind) decorated and H in a new day care and everything.  Now you are telling me we are starting over!!!???

We chatted for a little bit.  He decided he would contact the main people who handle relocation/reassignments/stuff like that.  They told him where we had decided to go was available, but it may not be until after the upcoming deployment.  Yes, you heard me right, deployment!  Due to OPSEC (operation security, the way to stop the terrorists from getting our info), I can't give you many specifics.  So, with that said, we started talking about the deployment and if that was ok (as if we ever have a choice).  but many of you have heard me say this before "if it can happen in the Army, it happens to us!"

I decided deployment wouldn't be so bad (at least not as bad as last time).  He has a different job, which should be less dangerous.  I am not prego!!!!!!  And we have an amazing support team down here (thanks to my great job and our fabulous neighbor Hanna!!)  I know I can make it through this one...plus, I know what to expect.

So, today I had a meeting with some managers for work and one of the guys seemed to take an interest in Rick, who was not with me.  He was asking a bunch of questions about what his career aspirations were.  We talked about him going back to school for nursing and going that route (this would also limit the deployment situations in the future).  I also learned that the number of deployments has NOTHING to do with career enhancement and is a myth older guys tell the younger guys.  That irritated me a lot!

With all this, I came home and asked Rick what his career aspirations are...he said "my career what?"  So we talked more about it and he decided to get more info from the guys he knows about it.

All in all, not terrible, but I hate not knowing.  I have come to terms with deployment.  Here are some fears about it!

honest and raw:
H - Yes, she is so small she won't remember him being gone
H - She will be a wreck without him until she gets used to him being gone
H - Do I want her to get used to him being gone!?
Me - Ugh, another deployment
Me - More time at the post office (not bad)
Me - CASH!!!!! (they get paid more when they are deployed)
Rick - He will cut us off in preparation to leave us
Rick - More time away from us makes it more difficult to be with us
Us - Reintegration is rough!  I don't know if we have even gotten through it from the last time
Us - 2 deployments in less than 2 years...what does that do to a marriage
Other people - I hate getting the sad face from people...yes it SUCKS, but I don't want to be reminded of it all the time.
Other people - while I don't want to be reminded of it, I would like a little understanding as to how difficult it is to be a single parent in continued anticipation of trauma

THE DOOR!!!!  No one can every come over without calling first, I almost throw up every time there is a sound like someone might be at the door.

There you have it...raw and exposed!  I know other military wives go through this too, but it is real for us now.  I know we will probably have to do it, because it is the nature of the beast. 

Just to be clear, I do not want him to leave, but if he is given orders to go, I will support him in any and every way and keep calm and composed, not just for him, but for our whole family.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Slacking

So, my husband informed me that I have not been blogging consistently. He is right. Life has gotten crazy, as it often does. I have much to write, but not much time to write it:)

Some things on my mind: Halaina turns 18 months old a week from tomorrow (9/27). She has started to transition into the next daycare room. She loves it, but it is so bittersweet. I have become so comfortable with the ladies she has now. They know my little quirks. They know I forget pretty much everything, from taking her teething necklace off before taking her to school to the diapers I needed to take 2 days prior. Ugh!!

We now have a new group of ladies to break in. I'm going to have to talk to them about how forgetful I am.

Today, while dropping H off, her teacher told me another mother came in and asked her if they were teaching the kids sign language. Ms Laws said 'no, Halaina is'. She then went on to tell me that H is a leader, which makes me so happy!!!

I am trying to go with the flow and know that God will provide the best opportunity he has for us. Being a military family is hard, but I do enjoy it.

Just last week I met 3 new ladies that I became friends with. I love that the Army allows so many situations to meet new friends:)

Anyway, I will write more tomorrow, hopefully :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Semi-Independent Army Wife

I haven't blogged in a little while, mainly because life has been a little crazy.  There will be more life changes in the near future, but no idea when that will become announcable :)

My friend and I were talking about what it takes to be an Army wife.  This is near and dear to my heart, due to the fact that I am an Army wife.  I kinda like to think of myself as the non-traditional Army wife, I like that!

It takes a certain type to be successful at being an Army wife (military wife in general, you can replace Army with any other branch of service.).  There are certain things we deal with on a very regular basis that the "normal" wife may not.  Some examples:
I have one neighbor whose husband is in the band...he may have gigs at night, parades in the morning, formal events he has to play for, and funeral detail (since he is a bugler).
I have another neighbor whose husband is getting ready to go to the field.  She said the last time he went they ended up leaving a day earlier than planned.
Before Rick deployed, he spent a month training in CA.  Before they deploy again, the guys will spend another month training somewhere.
Rick is about to go to school for a month.
Another friend's husband just got done with the initial training to get into the Army, she has two kids and he was away for about six months.
Finally, another friend's husband has been working hard at getting qualified for different things, which means schools, training, and long hours.

Some things other people don't know.  The guys have to pull "Staff duty".  This is a 24 hour assignment where they have to stay on duty to answer the phones and handle other things that come up at the office.
Duty days start at 0600 with PT.  Sometimes the day doesn't end until well after dark. 
If something goes missing, everyone has to stay to look for it, no matter how long that takes.
Things change, constantly!

So, what does that mean for the wife!? It means she needs to be somewhat independent.  I have to tell you, I am can be over-dependent on some things and under-dependent on others.  I don't like when Rick is away, I have trouble with the change (since I am a crazy controller!)  I am very under-dependent when it comes to work.  I have a career I love and feel satisfied with. 

I have friends, I have things to do, hobbies, and love the benefits of meeting new people, trying new things, and learning about a culture!

I will admit I am over-dependent sometimes.  I like to have Rick home for dinner, I love supporting him with family readiness group activities, I ask him if it is ok if I do certain things, I work with him to make our house a home.

I learned how much I could handle when he was deployed.  It was extremely difficult.  I was so anxious about the whole thing, but I knew that he needed me to be strong and to handle things.  I knew that I could not bog him down with the worries of my daily life.

It is hard to adjust, the best medicine is to look at the positive.  If you are stuck in the house, get out and meet people.  If you are stressed with the kids, there are so many options!  Moms NEED me time!  Couples NEED date time!  Kids need healthy parents with a healthy relationship. 

If you are having trouble with the military life, find a mentor who can help you look at the bright side, listen to her and don't be a negative Nancy!  We do have a great life, so few people get to live a life like us.  Trust me, the outside is not all it's cracked up to be! 

Monday, August 6, 2012

This week and next

I am sitting here thinking of all the stuff that is going to happen this week and even half the next.  I know that I have a wonderful family (both sides), but I can't help but be anxious.  We are going to Ricks parent's first.  This is always a whirlwind, good one.  There are always a bunch of doggies to welcome us, hugs and kisses, and all that wonderfullness.  I am terrified about all the stuff of having a walking baby.  She knows not to touch things, but I have this fear that she is going to break something precious and I would feel terrible. 

Another terrifying thing is that she will be with the dogs.  This scares me because Rocky out weighs H by about 60 pounds (or more).  I fear that she will do something, unintentional, and he will lash out, unintentional, and we will end up in the ER with a baby with half her face.  UGH!

We are then going up to family camp.  This is super exciting!  However, I don't know how my mom did it.  The first time I went to family camp, I was six months old, Tim was 3, Mark was 11, and Paul was 14.  WOW, I have no idea how she did it!  I am a freak about my 16 month old and all the stuff she will get into (not so much that) mainly what I forgot.  I just don't want her to trip over the tree roots and smash her face into the pine needles and we are in front of the nurse with a scared baby face.

Can you tell I am a freak about H's face! 

So, I have packed almost everything, thought through every scenario, and worked super hard to get everything ready.  I guess only time will tell. 

Oh, one SHINING light!  I get a play date (both baby and big girl) with my very wonderful friend Laura!!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Oh mother's guilt!

It's been a while since my last post, I guess that is what happens when life gets busy.  There hasn't been much change around here.  Work is the same, H is cutting teeth left and right, Rick hasn't worked in 2 weeks and has become a fabulous house husband :) and we are getting ready to go on leave back to Wisconsin.

There is nothing wrong with Rick, it is just how the schedule worked out.

We leave next week to go home for 8 days.  I am pretty excited and very nervous about this trip.  We will be going to family camp.  I have gone to family camp for years and years, the first time I was at camp I was 6 months old.  Now, we are taking our 16 month old and I am a wreck!  I know there are so many things to take and have on hand that you probably will never use.  I know I will forget something major.  It isn't just going to camp, it is driving 9.5 hours to get to Gma and Gpa Konish's house for a couple days, then another 2.5 hours to camp.  It's just a lot.  My mom said H will survive, I did.  I told her I am less worried about H and more worried about me.  I just don't want to be "that mom", however I always seem to be.

Anyway.  On to something else.

A few weeks ago we dedicated our precious baby girl.  My parents came down to witness the event.  It was a nice ceremony and Rick was playing with H while we were praying, in front of 500 people, but oh well, that's the two of them for ya.

It makes you think about how you live your life and how your life is an example for your children.  We were talking last night about how I feel like a failure as a mom because H doesn't want to come be by me.  She actually picks the neighbors over me...I'm learning to deal with that.  Rick said that being a good parent has nothing to do with whether a 16 month old will come to you, but rather if you raise good adults.  I had to think about that and know it is true.  I know H and I will have hard times and will fight (mainly because we are so similar).  I know that I want a relationship with her like I had with my mom.  So, I am taking my mom's advice and picking my battles.  I know that I will not win on everything.  I am pretty sure she will have something that is messed up, but I guess that is part of life.

Oh the wonders of mother's guilt.  I am hard enough on myself, being a mother just adds so much more.  So, I am going to be a good example (as good as I can be) and just try to do right by her.  So far, she has stayed alive for 16 months, knows signs and words, walks, has teeth, eats, is healthy, and plays like a normal child, oh, and that laugh!  how could I forget that most adorable laugh!!!

Anyway, mom's don't get enough credit.  Dad's are so important, but I imagine they are much less 'in their head' about their kids than moms are.  Just a theory.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Oh the woahs.

Alright, it has been a little bit and there has been much to discuss:
First, I was sick ALL last week.  I was talking to my neighbor and figure I was up about 25 hours between Monday morning and Friday night.  I missed more work that I have ever, other than maternity leave but I don't really count that!

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and she thought I may have a kidney stone.  She told me I did not have a UTI, but would write me a Rx just in case the culture came back saying I had it.  She said she would call by Friday.  So, when she didn't call on Friday, I figured it must have been nothing.  I had a fever of some kind pretty much from Monday to Saturday. 

On Monday morning, the nurse calls me to be sure I know that I need to take all of the meds the dr Rx'ed.  Well that is all fine and dandy considering I haven't even filled the Rx because she didn't tell me I had anything.  By this time, I have actually been feeling better for about two days.  So, do I fill and take the Rx or not?  I have decided to take it, but think it is pretty funny how she let me go five days with nothing and then checked in to ensure I knew to take all the pills I don't have!

Enough of that!!!  This weekend we dedicated our most precious belonging to God.  We promised to raise Halaina in the ways of the Lord so that when she grows up, she will not depart from him.  It was a pretty big deal to me.  I was a little frustrated with Rick playing with her while the pastor was praying and we were standing there in front of 500 people!  But that is Rick and Halaina and that is how they roll.

I was very happy my parents could come down for the event.  They are a hoot.  Halaina has decided her first favorite person in the whole wide world is Daddy, but the second is Grandpa!  It was pretty sweet to see the two of them.  It made my dad's day when Halaina started crying when I tried to take her from him.  Then again, when my mom  did.  So we have a great picture of my dad with Halaina, but no picture with H and my mom.  Oh well, mom and I were only the ones who cared for her!

Anyway, on to something else.  I have been feeling pretty blah lately.  Other than being sick, I have just been in this funk.  Not sure why.  I have a great life, I know that I do.  Maybe that is the trouble.  Maybe if I didn't have such a great life I wouldn't feel so melancholia about it.  I guess I feel like I should be making a bigger impact or doing something great, or something.  I will admit that I really like being accomplished at school, but I feel like I need to be involved with something outside work and school.

This is going to sound very strange to some.  I feel like I need to lead something, and not this dumb organizational day committee at work that I am in charge of!  I just feel like I can make a difference and by just sitting on my couch, I am failing.  I am going to have to figure that out....more to follow on that.

Alright, that is enough words and enough topics, I will stop for tonight!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

An IED by any other name

I was watching the news last night with Rick and they were covering the situation in Syria.  The reporter was talking about the rebels making explosive devices to take down the enemy (the government).  They even showed them making the bombs, cooking the explosives, and what the bomb did to a truck when hit.  The reporter called them explosives, but they are IEDs (Roadside bombs).  We are sitting there watching these people be justified in blowing someone up.  This is crazy to me.

I started thinking about Rick in Afghanistan and IEDs and what it really means when he says "they got blown up." 

I just finished the book "Black Hearts" by Jim Frederick.  This book is about one platoon's deployment to Iraq in 2005-2006.  My good friend Sarah's husband is in the platoon and in the first half of the book.  It was astonishing. 

I originally got the book while Rick was deployed.  I gave it to my dad to read to ensure I could read it.  He told me "You cannot read this book!"  He was very insistent that I do not read the book.  Well, as I often do, I did not listen.  I started the book after Rick was home, but I found myself crying and thinking of Rick being in some of those same situations.  While some parts had me laughing out loud, others were so incredible, I could hardly stand it.

War is a terrible thing!  There is no doubt about that.  But what are some other IEDs, in life?

I had lunch with a girlfriend a couple weeks ago and we were talking about reintegration, her husband was deployed with Rick.  She was saying things that sounded just like us.  She was talking about how her husband would be angry and moody.  He would say that it was her and she was the one unhappy.  She was talking about the drinking, more than normal, or at least more than before.  She was talking about not sleeping, or not going to bed together.  I knew exactly what she was talking about.

I remember listening to the ladies who had been through deployment talking about the honeymoon stage and about when it wore off and the rubber meets the road.  These were just words to me...I didn't think of them as anything but a possibility.  When Rick came home, we were awesome, things were great.  I thought, "man, we are awesome, we totally skipped all the stuff they were talking about...we must just be that good!"  Yep, as with most things, I was wrong! 

Reintegration is hard.  It is even harder to explain to someone who has never been through it.  Civilian wives do not understand what it is like, and they can't really imagine it either.  Our neighbor and I talk about the deployment (her husband was deployed like Rick only on a main base, didn't do firefight missions, and she had regular communication with him via skype, etc)  however, I do not want to discount their experience, he was deployed and she was without him.

Anyway, we are very similar, the guys left when we were prego, we had the babies alone (well with our moms), and the guys came back to a baby.  Her sister was asking us about it this weekend.  She said that she just couldn't imagine it, going through what we went through, alone.  I told her, we didn't have a choice.  That was what we had to do. 

I think about those who say I am so strong, I don't personally think so, but ok.  I have to admit, it was terrible, I hated Rick not being here.  I remember being in the hospital, thinking I was in labor when the nurses were telling me I wasn't.  I was crying and my mom was comforting me, I remember saying "I just want Rick!".

So, the IEDs in life.  When the guys come back, little things will trigger you and him.  Last weekend we were are a cookout and a wife made the cardinal sin comment.  She said "I don't understand, you spent a year with this guys, why do you need to spend more time with them?"  Well, don't ever say that to a guy back from deployment!  She lost the fight.

Another thing, I was thinking of putting Halaina's room into the bigger room (currently the spare guest room).  Rick didn't like the idea...I told him it was easier when I was making decisions by myself...don't say that!

Talking about how much they smoke now, when they didn't before, probably not a good idea.  This goes for drinking too, I think, unless it is out of hand, or he is violent.

I know it is going to be just words to someone else, but they are true.  You really have to get to know each other again.  You have to compromise.  You have been two separate people living two lives for a year, you have NO idea what he went through, even if you think he told you a lot, and he has NO idea what you went through.  Don't compare, don't complain, just listen and communicate. 

Marriage is hard all by itself.  Marriage in the military is that much harder.  Be committed to each other, know that there is more than just love, so if you aren't feeling the love, work harder.  PRAY!  I know that prayer has gotten me through both the deployment and the reintegration.  I know we aren't perfect, but I know we will be ok and our life will be as great as we make it.

Strength and love to all my military wives out there.

Monday, June 25, 2012

The act from the person

Today is the first day of the new quarter for school...this quarter sucks because it is over 4th of July and Labor Day...boo for that, oh, and our vacation to WI!!!

Anyway, a lot has happened since the last post, so I know you are all dying to hear about the ramblings in my head! 

Father's Day weekend I was TERRIBLY sick.  I was in bed from Friday afternoon until I went to work Monday morning.  I was up a little to sit on the couch, well lay on the couch.  And I did take a shower finally on Sunday night.  So, Rick got a crappy father's day of taking care of a very cranky baby and a very sick momma.  They thought I had a kidney infection, I still think I did.  But then they decided it was a UTI, so they put me on different meds. 

I was at work all day Monday, on Tuesday I was feeling much better and my boss came to check on me.  She said she was very surprised that I stayed all day Monday, she fully expected me to go home 1/2 way through the day.  I told her (through somewhat teary eyes) that it was a major accomplishment for me to have made it all day.

So, now I am feeling better.  The reason H was SO crabby was because she sprouted a tooth while I was in bed, and Rick said it was a great Father's day because he got to spend it with his little girl.

Anyway.  I started a new devotional.  This one is pretty core shaking.  It is called 30 days to Taming your Tongue.  I have felt convicted about how I use my words, what I say, the words I say, and all that goes with that.  I have realize I curse WAY too much, I talk about people too much, and I am very quick to judgement...with my words.

Words are harsh.  I was talking with an older man today(getting ready to retire) about bullying in the schools now days.  He said that he remembered when he was in 3rd or 4th grade and he would bully a set of twin boys who were heavy.  (this man stood about 6'2'' and weighed probably over 300 lbs.)  He said he was a skinny thing and would always pick on these boys.  He told me he regretted it now.  You could see it on his face.  He truly was remorseful for what had happen 50 years or more ago.  I think that is so telling.

I know I have picked on people, talked about them behind their back, quietly stewed about them, the whole 9 yards.  I seem to justify myself by thinking they must have done something wrong, they are crazy(my favorite thing to call people), they just don't understand how other's have it worse, and the list goes on.

As I am raising my precious baby girl, I think about how she will be picked on for whatever...probably her crocked teeth.  She will have struggles and heart ache and all that.  I have to see others like that.  I need to see those crazy people as someones son or daughter who needs help.  A child in need of his/her father.  I need to have a heart for them and know that deep down, they are human just like me and I am no better than they are.  I have to separate the people from the actions.

This is quite a feet in my line of work.  I deal with all the bad people, the crazies and those who just can't get it together.  So, my challenge, to myself, is to really separate the people from the action.  Love on the people, pray for them, and deal with the action.  The act does not go to the core of the person.

I need to be a light for myself and others.  I can't continue to run people down.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Tomorrow's dinner!

I'm in my head again!!!  I have had a very busy day at work today, worked 9.5 hours, had 3 back to back meetings this afternoon (2 with Colonels), and then came home to my very sick husband!

I have to say, I am very jealous of my husband!  Rick woke up sick this morning and is already better (12 hrs later)...JERK!  I got sick yesterday around lunch time and was still sick after lunch today.  I am feeling better, but still!

I am in my head pretty good today...I am getting ready for another long and semi busy/stressful day at work tomorrow.  That's not even the worst of it.  Rick was taken out of the company (collective group of guys who work together) that he deployed with and was taken back to HHC (Headquarters company).  With that, I changed FRGs (Family Readiness Groups).  This group was were I met my closest friends (who have either moved away or are getting ready to).  Now, I have a new adventure.  Tomorrow I am going to a dinner with these new ladies to welcome the new leader.  The leader is the highest NCO (Non-Commissioned Officer - a fancy way to say the soldiers who are not officers, but are in charge of the soldiers' day-to-day stuff).  So, it is kind of a big deal.

This is what I find to be funny.  I can spend all day talking to high ranking officers, giving them advice, telling them what they should do, having the hard conversations with them, the whole 9 yards, but when it comes to the FRG, I am terrified of the wives.  I think the main issue is that I represent Rick and I want to be sure to do that in the best way possible.  I know that he loves me and that he is so proud of me, so take comfort in that.  I just can't help but think about what I don't have in common with these girls.

So, now my prayer is this...I want to find someone to be my friend.  I know Sarah has left some pretty big shoes to fill, and my neighbor Hana has become a very good friend, but I am hoping to find someone to click with tomorrow night.  I just hate going to things like this alone.  I went to my first Bravo FRG meeting alone, so I should be able to handle this. 

Oh, the best part!  It is at the steak house with the REALLY good rolls!!!!! :)

Anyway, I am going to get out of my head and treat the ladies tomorrow with respect and be myself.  I am not going to be ashamed of being successful at what I do, being a working mom, or leaving my baby at home with her VERY capable daddy.

We are a pretty awesome family, I need to rest on that!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Army Wives

I am sure this will not be the last post I write about this subject, it is pretty near and dear to my heart.

Being an Army wife is a difficult and rewarding choice.  While I was stiling in church this morning, alone, because Rick had to work, I was thinking about this!

When I was in Germany (not an Army wife) my friend and I would talk about the women who would get so mad about what it meant for their husband to be a soldier.  We agreed that they cannot complain because they either married him when he was already a soldier and should have known what that meant, or he chose to enlist while they were married, in which case she should have helped her husband make an informed decision.  Therefore, while it is not always the best situation, try to think of the good things.

My mother-in-law was an Army wife for 20 years.  When Rick went to basic, we were talking about what that little piece of plastic (a military depended ID card) is worth.  I learned more about this while Rick was deployed. 

Ok, down to brass tax...
Army life is rough.  Rick missed the birth and first 9 months of our daughter's life.  He works long hours, is away from home at a moment's notice.  He doesn't always know the plan for the week before the week starts.  There is no 9-5 schedule.  He has to wake up early to go exercise.  We will move around for the life of our service.  We live in a house that is not really ours.  We are held to a higher standard and he has to report even a speeding ticket to his chain-of-command.  If we want to go on vacation, he has to take vacation days for the weekend.  He cannot go more than 75 miles from post without a pass.  We can have our house inspected by his supervisor at a moment's notice.  These are just a few.

Now, the blessings:
We have health care with no co-pay.  We can get into the dr and they can give us over-the-counter medicine for free.  We live in the largest gated community in Kentucky, guarded 24/7 by armed guards.  We have our own hospital, police and fire stations, grocery store, and department store.  We do not pay tax on purchases on post.  We live next to a diverse population who help us grow and learn about other cultures in our own country.  Moving around provides new adventures, experiences, and we get to live in different places without having to go through the hardship of finding a house or looking for work, Rick will have a job when we get there.  We have the pride of knowing that Rick serves our great nation to defend the freedoms we all take for granted.

It is a hard life, but it is so rewarding too.  I don't know why military wives feel the need to tear each other down, run each other away, and be hateful to each other.  It doesn't make sense to me.

We all come from different places, we all have a different past, and we all love our families.  Why is it that we have to pit ourselves against one another and then wonder why there is so much drama in our lives.

Ok, so I have been watching Army Wives since the beginning and I have to tell you that it is not reality.  It is a little funnier this season because there is a little more petty drama, which is more realistic.  But the ranks do not interact like they portray.  There is no way a 3 star general's wife would be hanging out with a PFC's wife.  Also, there are fewer officers than enlisted, so it doesn't make a lot of sense that all but 1 of the wives are officer's wives.  Maybe that is how they are justifying the rank interactions.  Who knows.

Well...like I said, this probably will not be my last post on this topic, but it is frustrating to know that we tear each other down instead of building each other up and helping when needed.  So, like Thumper's momma said in Bambi "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Adoption-A Question

OIY!!!  I just finished two masters classes!  I don't know what grade I got, but I am SO happy I am done with that!  I don't start a new class until 24 June, nice little rest.  I have also decided that I will be taking one class at a time rather than two...it is extremely hard to be a full time employee, wife, mother, and full time graduate student!  I am glad it was only for 11 weeks.  Yes, I am in an awesome program where classes are only 11 weeks long!!!  I know, be jealous.

Anyway, on to something more exciting.  I have been thinking about adoption lately.  Rick and I have talked about it...I have mixed feelings.  I think it is such an amazing gift to provide a loving home for a child who doesn't have one.  One of the BIGGEST positives is that I wouldn't have to be prego again!!!  Super plus!!!!  I have a childhood friend who adopted a family of three kids (I believe) and he posts about being a first time parent with these little ones...it is so precious and sweet. 

Then I think about the bond I have with H.  I look at her and see both Rick and me.  She is so much like our families it makes me want to cry sometimes...mainly just her stubbornness and laziness (pretty much both from me).  I think about how I got to bring her into this world, how we bonded even before she was born.  She is a part of me and me her...it is special.

I read a blog post by my bestie Laura where she was talking about her adorable son Jer.  He is still a little guy, so he is still her baby.  It was Christmas time and she was thinking about Mary having to give up Jesus.  It made me cry and I wasn't even a mom at that time.  I couldn't imagine what Mary had to go through, she bonded with Jesus even before he was born.  No one could love him like she could.  But is it that way for every baby and mother?

I read an article yesterday about one of the girls featured on MTV's Teen Mom (yes I watch it).  She has talked about the father of her 2 year old is not fit to be a father.  However, she was arrested for drugs and sentenced to 5 years in jail, but it was suspended pending her completion of a drug treatment program.  She decided it was too difficult to get clean in the program and went to the judge to have him put her in prison instead...WHAT!!!!!  I am just thinking of this poor little girl who has to see her mom go away to jail because she chooses drugs over her child!  Surely, in that case, someone else could love that little girl more than her mom.

Personally, I know people of adoption, my father-in-law for one.  I know his parents loved him, possibly more than anyone ever could love another person, and he is an amazing man for it.  I also think about my nephew who was adopted by my brother and his wife when he was about 3 months old.  His mom had 5 boys already and Tyler was supposed to be a girl.  The mom had decided if Tyler was a girl, she would keep her, but if it was another boy, she was going to give him up for adoption.  He was a boy and thankfully has a better life for it. 

It is hard though.  And what about the kids who are 5 and haven't been adopted yet?  I know a couple who were in the process (I don't know if they every did) of adopting a 5 year old.  By 3 they have baggage, think about the 5, 10, 15 year old.  Don't they need love too?

I know I won't solve this tonight, but I wanted to share some thinking on it and glean some feedback.  What do you all think?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Somewhat overwhelmed

"So I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?"
"I think you can in Europe."
Oh the greatness of quoting movies, I love it.  Since this blog is all about being honest, real, and transparent...I am going to continue with that today.

I am overwhelmed.  I put off school work and now I feel like I am a huge failure, even though I am not.  I slacked off last week because I was tired and then lazy, and then my brother and sister-in-law were here, so who wants to work on homework when there are more fun things to do.  So, I missed a deadline.  I submitted it today, but I don't know how that is going to go.  I also think it is a little frustrating because we are supposed to do this Annotated Bibliography, but there is nothing in the book about what that means, or even in her notes...ahhh, I guess I am just guessing.  I did look at the other people's submissions and they are similar to mine, so I feel better about that.

This is the last week, I have a 2000 word paper due one week from today (a week earlier than I thought) and I have a final test in the other class.  I have to say I am glad I am only taking one class next quarter. 

That brings me to my class next quarter...I have to buy like 10 books, well 2 books and about 8 case papers that are $6 each, plus shipping...SUPER MAD about that!

Anyway, on to something else.  Rick is studying for the promotion board.  He is somewhat on edge about it...he wouldn't say that, but I know he is.  I know he is nervous because his leaders put such great faith in him, and rightfully so.  He is pretty amazing.  That is all I am going to say about that since he doesn't like his business all out in the open.

H is doing fine, although I just now realized that I forgot to put on her teething necklace before she went to sleep, so she will probably be up a bunch of times tonight.  She still only has 1.5 teeth.  I say .5 because it hasn't actually broken through the skin yet, but I can see it.  Her teeth sure do move slowly!

The exterminator is coming on Friday because I think we have far too many bugs in our house for my liking.  I am going to see if I can work from home that day so that I can be here and take something off Rick's plate.

I am just a little too insecure.  I need to figure out how to fix that.  One of my new fav songs talks about being caught up in God's grace like an avalanche.  My favorite line is "I find myself on my knees again."  I need to be on my knees before God more often.  It really is a great song called "Like an Avalanche" by Hillsong. 

So, what does it look like to be on your knees?  I know one of my biggest things to bring before my God is my controlling nature.  I want to have my way or no way.  I know this is always true with where we go.  God has been so good to us, and I just want more.  I don't know why I feel like I cannot trust him or rest in the fact that he will not leave me or forsake me.  I know we have come through terrible times and have remained strong and even gotten stronger.  why can't I have that same thing with God?  Why can't I stay committed to my word to be more focused and in tune with his will?  Why can't I just be still and listen to what he is saying?  Maybe then I wouldn't feel so anxious or terrified, or just plan stupid.

There I am, in my head, as always.  Wondering how to get out and rest.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Be happy where you are

I have been forming this entry for a few days now.  I actually started thinking about being happy where I am after thinking of all the things I was unhappy with at the moment.  I was tired from working all day, H was crying, I was trying to make supper, I found out I missed a deadline for a school project and didn't know how it was going to affect my grade, and I was battling a headache!  Ugh!  I decided to be happy for all the good things I have in my life.  I have an amazing husband who told me last week he is pretty sure he is the biggest fan of my blog :) I have a wonderful daughter that I get to teach to grow into a beautiful woman who trusts herself and trusts God more.  I have a wonderful family in WI and other places that really does love me.  I get along with my inlaws very well.  I have great friends, both here, back in WI, and now all over the world.  I have a warm place to lay my head, my vehicle starts and runs when I need it to, I make enough money to make it beneficial for me to pay for daycare to help provide for my family.  I am just so blessed.

So, in the middle of my thinking of all these things, Rick comes in to tell me that he wants to trade in his car, which we have only had a few months, for a vehicle for me so that his girls can be safe and secure while driving around.  I told him he feels guilty because he has the nice vehicle and I have the older one.  He agreed, but said that is really what he wanted. 

I started looking.  I knew that the next vehicle I bought, I wanted to be a Jeep Grand Cherokee.  I found one about 70 miles from here and we are going to look at it on Friday.  I am now pretty excited.  I am still uncertain why he has decided to abandon the car, but I guess it is ok with me.

Back to being happy where you are:
I have been pretty down since about March.  In March my best friend down here left me!  We were really two peas in a pod.  We never ran out of things to talk about and it was always a great time when we were together.  She really did get me through Rick's deployment.  I have mentioned it before, but she kept me sane when I wanted to pull my hair out.  I think one of the most special experiences we got to share together was the day Rick came home finally. 

He was on the last flight for our Battalion (about 600-700 people total in the Battalion).  We had gone to so many home comings together.  Her husband was already home and had been since May, mine wasn't coming until January, so it was a little funny that we were not Family Readiness Group leaders, but we still made it to so many.  I missed 2 and I am a little glad I missed the 2 I missed.  I missed the one on Christmas eve.  I was a little happy to miss that one since so many of the guys from our company (about 150 people guys) were coming home and Rick was not one of them.  The second one I missed was on New Years Eve, it was at 11:30 at night and I couldn't justify taking H out at that time a night when it wasn't her daddy coming home.

But, the day Rick came home, that was another story.  We arrived when we were supposed to, I was so nervous.  It was surreal because I had been to so many that I knew what to expect.  We got to sit pretty close to the front and the wife of Commander of the whole Brigade (about 3500 people) asked how old H was and if she had seen her daddy yet...I said that she had, but she was only 3 months old at the time and she was 9 months old now.  They were so excited for us to be able to see our soldier!  Based on the fact that we had been to so many, we knew what music went with what portions.  During the Army Strong commercial song, we knew that the guys were walking in to line up behind the large curtain in the gym.  When it was playing, Sarah looked over at me and said "he's over there Sara, he's finally over there!"  We both just started crying.  We were a wreck!  We still had to wait, the curtain had to rise, they had to play the Big Red 1 song, the Star Spangled Banner, and then be released, then I would have to find him.  All the while, Sarah was holding my 17 pound baby so that I could run to find my love.  When they were finally released, Sarah looked at me and yelled...."RUN"  So I went running.  As many of you know, that was an epic FAIL as I tripped over myself and fell at his feet, but it was all worth it in the end, he was home, in my arms, safe and sound.  Sarah brought H and we had our fist family picture in 6 months!

Sarah's status on Facebook later that night was about how she has many friends and each welcome home ceremony was meaningful, but seeing her girl H be reunited with her daddy took the cake.  I am crying just remembering it.  Whew

I am an Army wife and I knew this would happen.  Just like I knew Rick would be deployed and I would go through the fear and anxiety with it, I knew my friends would leave and I would leave and we would meet again at some other post.  Well, it is different to know it than to live it!

Sarah was my first friend to leave me in the Army.  When I was a kid, no one really moved away, everyone stayed close.  When we went to college, everyone left together, even leaving college.  I also feel it is so much different leaving someone than being left!

I have decided I do not like being left!

But I will be happy where I am and make new friends when I can.  I have already started, a little.  Last weekend we made friends with our neighbors and I do like her...she is not the typical Army wife (Sarah isn't either, neither am I), so I love it!

Anyway, I am happy where I am and I will continue to look at the glass as half full!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

My sweet baby

So I have to say, my kid is pretty cute!  It's funny, everywhere we go, "Awww, she's so cute".  Even when she looks a mess, still, the same response.  I like that she is smiley and wonderful when we are out and about and when she is with other people.  She isn't always that way.  My friend told me yesterday was the first time she has heard H cry, "she's always so happy."  I can tell you, that is not actually true.

She is pretty lazy though.  She was a late crawler, she only has 1 tooth, and she refuses to walk.  Oh well...

I take her to the chiropractor and he was telling me not to compare kids, but let's face it, we all do!  He said "some kids are microwaves and others are crock pots."  I love it...my kid is definitely a crock pot.

She's pretty smart though, knows how to put a cap on things, can remember anything, and holds a grudge like her momma.

I have been discussing matters of the world and have been thinking about what the world may be like for her, when she is my age.  First of all, she will have to think about how to take care of her aging parents.  We won't be super old, but we will be thinking of retiring by then.  She will, hopefully, have finished college with little or no debt because we taught her that.  She will be in the workforce, or a stay at home mom, or a traveler.  She will have to choose to vote, go to church, who to marry, whether to have children, where to live, where to work, go back to school or not, and the list goes on and on.  From huge, life changing choices, to what to make for dinner tonight.

My hope and prayer is that she 1) stays safe! 2) follows Jesus, and 3) knows we are always here when she needs us.

I have been reading more about parenting and active parenting, while I write this Rick is on the floor playing with our dearest one.  One article was talking about actually TALKING to your children.  I know I talk to H a lot and as if she is a normal person, just in a smaller body.  She seems to know that I am talking to her and respond with excitement, most the time.  I know this is important, not only to develop her verbal skills, but also to strengthen and grow the bond between us.  It is very important to me to have a good relationship with her and to know that she feels she can trust me.  I don't want her to feel alone, judged, alienated, or any other isolating adjectives.  I want her to know that mommy works hard for her and longs for her to have everything she has ever dreamed of. 

I know we will have bumps along the way, but I just pray that we can be friends, when she is grown. 

I'm going to stop now so I can go give my little monkey a bath and read her a story before bed.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

His grace is sufficient for me

I am not titling this blog until the end, mainly because I don't know what to title it...I have so much in my head!

First, I need to apologize to my amazing husband.  He really is so good to me and I made him out to be a bad guy in the last post.  He really is such a sound of strength for me.  It's hard for me because I am pretty independent, but codependent all at the same time.  This seems pretty crazy right!  What a contradiction.

I was talking with my friend about how insecure and self conscious I am.  That is pretty honest right now!  It seemed strange to her because I seem to have it going on and keep it together.  I think that is where my, always in my head, comes in.  I have a HUGE fear of failure.  I fear failing in my marriage, my job, as a mother, as a Christian, and just at life in general.  This is pretty overwhelming. 

That fear goes hand-in-hand with my self-consciousness.  This makes me feel like, even if I don't fail, it won't be good enough.  There is always something I can do better, I'm not good enough, not thoughtful enough.  That can be pretty frustrating too.

I find myself being very consumed with work.  I find a lot of self fulfillment in it and it is extra tough when I get frustrated at work or feel like I am not effective.  I yearn to be effective, I need to be effective! 

The worst part is that I can rationalize myself out of this...God loves me just the way I am and I need to lean into him for strength, compassion, and answers.  I know all that, but I have a harder time doing it.  I know that he loves and accepts me, but I don't accept what I am bringing to him.

We sing a song at church that is my FAVORITE!  It says 'All I have is yours'.  What if all I have is not good enough?  What if my offering is not looked upon with favor?  What if it is just that I am plainly not good enough?

That is where grace comes in.  I know that his grace is sufficient for me.  He forgives me for all of it.  I once talked to my brother about 'forgiving myself' for some things I have done.  He provided such great wisdom on this subject.  He said that God forgave me for all my sins when Jesus died on the cross.  When I say that I have to forgive myself, it is cheapening Jesus' sacrifice by telling God, 'your forgiveness is not enough, I have to give some too.'  Wow, what a concept.  That was exactly what I needed to hear.  I ask for forgiveness from those I have wronged/hurt/betrayed, and I ask forgiveness from God, and he covers me with his grace.

I have been 'off' this week.  I have my ipod on every day at work and I mainly tune it out, but sometimes I tune in.  Two songs today...one was about having a few nicks in my fender and a couple rips in my jeans...that God's got big plans for me.  The other was 'It is well with my soul'.  It is well with my soul. 

I started this blog beaten, deflated, but I am ending on a high note...it is well with my soul.  I will be ok and God is my Lord.  I love to be able to have the piece of mind that I will be home with him one day.  Praise God for his wonderful grace.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

So today is Mother's Day...yay!  I am always the first to say that I am not the best mom, today was no different.

I think I have a delusion of what Mother's Day is actually like, mainly because of the media.  They show commercials with beautiful flowers, nice dinners, jewelry, spa days, and mom sleeping in and relaxing...well, not at the Konish house.

Last year, my first mother's day, I got beautiful flowers from Rick and H.  (I know the flowers I got throughout his deployment were from his mom signing his name, but I know he thought to have her send them).  It was a somewhat relaxing day...I had my gallbladder out the very next day, but it was relaxing none-the-less.

This year, not so much.  I woke up with my very crabby baby 30 mins earlier than we needed to.  My loving husband slept until 10 mins before we had to leave for church.  H cried and screamed almost the whole way to church, as if to say "I hate that you make me do this!"

Church was good.

On the way home, H screaming again, we stopped at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get new bathroom stuff (we have had ours for 3 years and they are bleached out and yuck).  Rick picked out the colors, I picked out the shower curtain, and I got a new rug for outside the front door.  We got our beloved coffee for the Kurig.

Then, back to the car.  H screaming again, finally she did go to sleep.  We decided to hit up a drive thruon the way home...Big Boys, how nice.  I should have picked McDonald's.  Anyway, we get home and H won't go down for a nap.  Sundays always throw her for a loop because it is completely out of the norm for her.

Finally, she sleeps, I am relaxing on the couch watching Sister Wives (whole different post should be devoted to that!).  Rick goes to lay down.  H gets up and is crabby once more, mom to the rescue.  We go grocery shopping, H and I.  When I get home, Rick wakes up from his nap...after I have carried in all the groceries and put them away.  I start supper feeling unappreciated and sad.  I got a half, Happy Mother's Day baby, through the screen door this morning, no flowers, no card, no jewelry, ugh!

I know my family loves me and they do appreciate me.  I just hate organized holidays!  So, here's to next year :)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The new worst part!

I have been taking a Zumba class with my friend Ty for 2 weeks now, and I have learned a lot about myself.  The first thing I learned, I already knew...I am SO out of shape!  Anyway, once one moves past the obveous and moves into the more deeper realms, I learned that I am not very good at rythem, however I am working on that!

One of the biggest things I have noticed is that I look EXACTLY like my mother!  I know they say that if you want to know what your wife will look like in 20 years, look at her mother, but MAN.  Even the way the light reflects off my calves, just like my mom!  I love my mom dearly and realized I was carrying my weight like she does after having H, but I guess it really became reality.  I have always been like my dad in personallity, very controling, STUBBORN, and hard headed...this made my teen years a little rough.  I am the only girl, after 3 boys, so he didn't really know how to handle me.  We learned to deal with each other and have a very good relationship now, but there were lots of growing pains getting there.

I have always said that if I am 1/2 the mother to my kids as my mom was to us, my children will be blessed.  I really do believe that with all my heart, but I didn't know that would include looking like her too:)

Last night I was watching Dance Moms Miami.  I don't actually like the show, but it is a little like a bad train wreck that you just can't peel your eyes away from.  The story line is a reality show about a dance studio of 6-14 year old kids learning to dance on a competition team.  This studio requires the kids to be weighed once a month. This was pretty crazy to me, considering one of the little girls was heavier, but her mom didn't seem to have a problem with it.  The mom who stood up for her daughter and did not require her to step on the scale was right on the money!  Her arguement was that in the day and age where so many girls have eating disorders, she is not putting her daughter on a scale in front of a group of other kids because she does not have a weight problem.  Right on mom!

That being said...I was in Zumba class today, sweating my butt off screaming at myself for letting myself get this way and I thought of those little girls.  I think it is important to have a healthy body image.  As someone who struggles with self confidence, I think it is so important to know how to love yourself and see yourself the way God sees you...I'm not very good at that! 

So, I have always hated my thighs, I think they are manly and have always been too big.  Now I have hips that I didn't have before...one more thing H gave me!  I have embraced my thighs, slightly.  My new worst part is my arms.  We all have them (I learned that in Zumba today).  Even the thinner ladies had saggy arms, also known as lunch lady arms!  I have felt mine are gross and need to go, but haven't done anything about it, so now I am.  I am determined to be healthier and to love my body and God loves me and see the good in it, rather than pick it apart constiently.  This will work!  I am determined, stubborn, and hard headed enough to make it!

Alright, that's enough...more to follow!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

This is the Stuff You Use

While Rick was deployed last year, my very dear friend Laura was a constant strength for me.  During that time, I found the song "This is the stuff" by Francesca Battistelli (yes, it is now playing on my iphone because I don't know how to spell her name:)  This song was me:)  It talks about losing her phone (that NEVER happened while Rick was gone, I practically duct taped it to my hip!).  The more fitting is the speeding ticket verse, yep, my heavy foot has gotten me one or two of those.
Anyway, the refrain says
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess,
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose,
But this is the stuff You use.

The bridge says:
So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world.

That is a BIG statement!  Every time I would get frustrated that Rick hadn't made contact in what I thought was a reasonable amount of time, H wouldn't sleep through the night, the battery died on the Jeep, I would have a bad day at work, or I would just have a bad hair day, I would talk to Laura about it and I would hear that song in my head.  I even remember saying it to her a few times.

Well, I have been having a little trouble lately feeling worthy, good enough, good at all...pretty frustrating stuff actually.  I am trying to work through those issues, but today was a "blessings" day! 

I woke up with the spots on my chest spreading to my neck...I didn't know what it was, but spreading anything is not cool with me!  Last night H was squeaking, like she was losing her voice, so this morning she wasn't feeling great.  Due to the fact that she didn't have a fever, I couldn't justify staying home with her, even though I dearly wanted to.  So, on the way to day care, the check engine light came on in the Jeep.  I called Rick right away...no answer (he hasn't set up his voicemail, on purpose, so people can't leave him annoying messages, I guess that includes his wife).  I dropped H off at day care and went to work.  When he called and I explained the situation, he said that I would have to make an appointment to get it checked out, I asked if he could do it, the response : 'not today'.  Of course.  So, then I made an appointment for my skin, since a lot of the girls at work thought it could be anything from measles to stress hives.  (I could see both actually).  When I went to the doctor this afternoon, the light didn't come on in the Jeep...YAY, I dodged that bullet!  I found out my bumps are a contact allergy (probably from one of the babies from the church nursery on Sunday! Germmy babies :))  she gave me meds and sent me on my way.  Got back in the Jeep, no light (perfect!!!)  Then I tried to turn into our driveway!  It was as if the power steering went out.  When Rick got home he looked at it.  As much as I love my husband, I knew we were probably taking it to a garage.  Sure enough, we dropped it off tonight and he (Rick) thinks it is the radiator, no idea what part or what exactly, just that the temp kept going up and up.

So, there I am, in the middle of a 'blessing'.  There are some good points, we had a great dinner, I know what is wrong with my skin, H is sleeping in her crib after a good day at school, Rick has a ride to work tomorrow, we both have jobs to earn enough money to have an emergency fund for just this incident, so I need to see the good, not the bad.

And now, I have 1/2 the homework done for one of my 2 masters classes.  I also have 10 more tutus to make before Saturday...for adults!  Yes, we are doing the Run for the Red, which is a 5k (walk) for the Red Cross.  Our team (the women) are wearing tutus and I am making them...pics to follow. 

That's it for today, more to follow on the status of the 'blessings'.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Beginning

This is my first blog...a little nervous I will admit.  I have been told I am 'too in my head', so I thought blogging may help that.  I guess first some background...
-first, the name of the blog!  My husband, Rick, is a medic in the Army.  He is currently attached (belongs to) the Big Red One.  For those of you who aren't Army people, that is kind of a big deal because the Big Red One is in EVERYTHING.  Most of the war movies are about some portion of the Big Red One.  Anyway, I digress...I went to my first Family Readiness Group (FRG) meeting.  This is a meeting where the spouses of the soldiers get together to get information from the command and join together to do volunteer projects, gain support, you know, whatever.  So, I was sitting there, minding my own business, when this guy came up and said: "Are you Mrs. Doc?"  I had to think about the question for a minute...was I Mrs. Doc?  Medics in the Army are called 'Doc', therefore Rick is called Doc Konish, so...Yes, I guess I am Mrs. Doc.  He was very excited to meet me and couldn't stop raving about how awesome Rick is.  It warmed my heart, so I decided I liked it!  It sure does beat Mrs. Konish.

So, next, our family structure!  Boy, I could probably go on for days about that!  I am married to a wonderful man, Rick.  We have been married since September 8, 2008. We got married in Germany, alone.  Well, except our friend Jutta and her twin boys (2 at the time) Jason and Justin.  We then had a ceremony (really an actual wedding) back home in WI on August 8, 2009.  My mom says that is the day our marriage became real to everyone, because they got to see it.  It hasn't always been sunshine and roses I can tell you!  We started out in Germany...

I worked as an intern for the federal government (the Army) as a Civilian!  I was/am a Human Resources Specialist. After I completed my internship, they 'placed' me in Germany.  So, I was 24, I had just met this great guy (well started dating him at least) about 3 weeks before I left, and now I am going halfway across the world, ALONE, with my dog!  Ugh! 

Before I left, I was at Ricks parent's house and we were having dinner.  It was the first time I met his brother Steven.  When his mom said that I was moving to Germany, he just looked at me with a very puzzled face.  He finally asked, "is Ricky going with you?"  I said no, he was going to come visit in October, I was leaving in August.  Grace chimed in immediately and said "I will send him to her though.  I wouldn't give him to just anyone, but I will give him to you, Sara."  I couldn't imagine this conversation happening at my parent's house.  There would be no way my parents would let me do that. 

Well, on October 4, 2007, Rick moved to Germany!  It was the first time I had ever lived with anyone. I had pretty much lived alone, so if I didn't want to pick up my socks, I didn't...that caused some growing pains;)  On October 6, 2007, Rick asked me to be his wife and I said YES!!!  I knew he was coming with a ring and was somewhat disappointed it took him 2 days to ask!

Anyway, Germany was fine, we were broke!  It was super expensive and we weren't making much money, so we decided to come home.

We moved back to WI and things were going ok.  Rick decided he wanted a career, not just a job, so he enlisted in the Army.  That was interesting.  He left for basic training October 6, 2009.  He was in Ft Benning, GA learning to be a solider in the most difficult basic training site in the Army.  He graduated from basic in December 2009.  In January 2010, he went to Ft Sam Houston (San Antonio, TX) for AIT (Advanced Individual Training). So, now he was learning to be a medic.  When he joined the Army, he told me he was going to be a Health Systems Specialist...ok, that sounds pretty nice.  Then, about 1/2 way through basic training, I found out it is actually a Combat Medic...TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!!  Oh well, we were going to roll with it.  He graduated AIT in May 2010.

From April to July 2010, I was detailed to Headquarters Army for a developmental assignment in HR.  This was quite a learning experience, but prolonged our time apart.  We moved to Ft Knox, Rick in June, me in July 2010.  When he got here, he found out they were deploying in January 2011.  We had said the whole time, give us 6 months to a year before he deploys so that we can have some time together before that happens, oh...and we wanted a baby.  Almost 6 months to the day from reporting to Knox, he deployed. 

When he deployed, I was about 6 months pregnant with our daughter. It was pretty emotional.  First of all, I was pregnant, and anyone who has been pregnant knows that you are not emotionally stable to begin with, then add the stress of saying goodbye to your husband.  I couldn't stop thinking about how that may be the last time I saw his face.  I knew he would be safe and I trusted his platoon SGT, so I was ok, as ok as I could be.

My mom came to be with me when I had the baby, thank God!  Halaina Kathryn was born March 27, 2011.  She was perfect!  I was terrified.  Now I have to ensure this little thing stays alive until July when Rick comes home to meet her, and that will only be for 2 weeks!  AHHHHH.

Well, we made it.  Rick came home for R&R (2 week leave during deployment) and fell in love with Halaina, and she with him.  I went back to work in July and learned what it was really like to be a single mom...hats off to ALL the single moms out there!

Rick came back January 2012.  That was pretty emotional.  He was finally safe, I didn't have to wonder every day if the knock on the door was 'the knock'.  I didn't have to worry about unplanned phone calls, or memorial services, or phone trees, or anything like that, he was home, and safe!

Life has happened since then...I find it difficult to co-parent.  I think mainly because I am a control freak and I 'learned' to be a mom alone for the first 9 months of her life, so when someone else is doing it differently, I have to just step back and let it happen.  IT is ok, it doesn't matter.  Adjusting to family life again is difficult.  It is hard to know when to give in and know that he is ok, just being quiet, or if something is really wrong.  Communication is interesting!

For 1 year, he chose when we talked, how we talked, and a lot of what we talked about because I refused to talk to him about the petty stuff that didn't matter.  Now, we are together every day.  Before we would talk once every 5-7 days, and by talk I mean some form of communication, rarely verbal.  It could be as simple as a facebook message or email.  He made sure I knew he was alive and ok.  I would send countless boxes, I don't even know how much money I spent on Amp Energy Drinks (which you aren't really supposed to mail).  Anyway, now we are here, knee deep in reintegration, learning to be together as the people we have become.

I love our life, but I think this blog will help me release some of the things jammed up in my head!

Enjoy :)