His grace is sufficient for me

I am not titling this blog until the end, mainly because I don't know what to title it...I have so much in my head!

First, I need to apologize to my amazing husband.  He really is so good to me and I made him out to be a bad guy in the last post.  He really is such a sound of strength for me.  It's hard for me because I am pretty independent, but codependent all at the same time.  This seems pretty crazy right!  What a contradiction.

I was talking with my friend about how insecure and self conscious I am.  That is pretty honest right now!  It seemed strange to her because I seem to have it going on and keep it together.  I think that is where my, always in my head, comes in.  I have a HUGE fear of failure.  I fear failing in my marriage, my job, as a mother, as a Christian, and just at life in general.  This is pretty overwhelming. 

That fear goes hand-in-hand with my self-consciousness.  This makes me feel like, even if I don't fail, it won't be good enough.  There is always something I can do better, I'm not good enough, not thoughtful enough.  That can be pretty frustrating too.

I find myself being very consumed with work.  I find a lot of self fulfillment in it and it is extra tough when I get frustrated at work or feel like I am not effective.  I yearn to be effective, I need to be effective! 

The worst part is that I can rationalize myself out of this...God loves me just the way I am and I need to lean into him for strength, compassion, and answers.  I know all that, but I have a harder time doing it.  I know that he loves and accepts me, but I don't accept what I am bringing to him.

We sing a song at church that is my FAVORITE!  It says 'All I have is yours'.  What if all I have is not good enough?  What if my offering is not looked upon with favor?  What if it is just that I am plainly not good enough?

That is where grace comes in.  I know that his grace is sufficient for me.  He forgives me for all of it.  I once talked to my brother about 'forgiving myself' for some things I have done.  He provided such great wisdom on this subject.  He said that God forgave me for all my sins when Jesus died on the cross.  When I say that I have to forgive myself, it is cheapening Jesus' sacrifice by telling God, 'your forgiveness is not enough, I have to give some too.'  Wow, what a concept.  That was exactly what I needed to hear.  I ask for forgiveness from those I have wronged/hurt/betrayed, and I ask forgiveness from God, and he covers me with his grace.

I have been 'off' this week.  I have my ipod on every day at work and I mainly tune it out, but sometimes I tune in.  Two songs today...one was about having a few nicks in my fender and a couple rips in my jeans...that God's got big plans for me.  The other was 'It is well with my soul'.  It is well with my soul. 

I started this blog beaten, deflated, but I am ending on a high note...it is well with my soul.  I will be ok and God is my Lord.  I love to be able to have the piece of mind that I will be home with him one day.  Praise God for his wonderful grace.