"So I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?"
"I think you can in Europe."
Oh the greatness of quoting movies, I love it. Since this blog is all about being honest, real, and transparent...I am going to continue with that today.
I am overwhelmed. I put off school work and now I feel like I am a huge failure, even though I am not. I slacked off last week because I was tired and then lazy, and then my brother and sister-in-law were here, so who wants to work on homework when there are more fun things to do. So, I missed a deadline. I submitted it today, but I don't know how that is going to go. I also think it is a little frustrating because we are supposed to do this Annotated Bibliography, but there is nothing in the book about what that means, or even in her notes...ahhh, I guess I am just guessing. I did look at the other people's submissions and they are similar to mine, so I feel better about that.
This is the last week, I have a 2000 word paper due one week from today (a week earlier than I thought) and I have a final test in the other class. I have to say I am glad I am only taking one class next quarter.
That brings me to my class next quarter...I have to buy like 10 books, well 2 books and about 8 case papers that are $6 each, plus shipping...SUPER MAD about that!
Anyway, on to something else. Rick is studying for the promotion board. He is somewhat on edge about it...he wouldn't say that, but I know he is. I know he is nervous because his leaders put such great faith in him, and rightfully so. He is pretty amazing. That is all I am going to say about that since he doesn't like his business all out in the open.
H is doing fine, although I just now realized that I forgot to put on her teething necklace before she went to sleep, so she will probably be up a bunch of times tonight. She still only has 1.5 teeth. I say .5 because it hasn't actually broken through the skin yet, but I can see it. Her teeth sure do move slowly!
The exterminator is coming on Friday because I think we have far too many bugs in our house for my liking. I am going to see if I can work from home that day so that I can be here and take something off Rick's plate.
I am just a little too insecure. I need to figure out how to fix that. One of my new fav songs talks about being caught up in God's grace like an avalanche. My favorite line is "I find myself on my knees again." I need to be on my knees before God more often. It really is a great song called "Like an Avalanche" by Hillsong.
So, what does it look like to be on your knees? I know one of my biggest things to bring before my God is my controlling nature. I want to have my way or no way. I know this is always true with where we go. God has been so good to us, and I just want more. I don't know why I feel like I cannot trust him or rest in the fact that he will not leave me or forsake me. I know we have come through terrible times and have remained strong and even gotten stronger. why can't I have that same thing with God? Why can't I stay committed to my word to be more focused and in tune with his will? Why can't I just be still and listen to what he is saying? Maybe then I wouldn't feel so anxious or terrified, or just plan stupid.
There I am, in my head, as always. Wondering how to get out and rest.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Be happy where you are
I have been forming this entry for a few days now. I actually started thinking about being happy where I am after thinking of all the things I was unhappy with at the moment. I was tired from working all day, H was crying, I was trying to make supper, I found out I missed a deadline for a school project and didn't know how it was going to affect my grade, and I was battling a headache! Ugh! I decided to be happy for all the good things I have in my life. I have an amazing husband who told me last week he is pretty sure he is the biggest fan of my blog :) I have a wonderful daughter that I get to teach to grow into a beautiful woman who trusts herself and trusts God more. I have a wonderful family in WI and other places that really does love me. I get along with my inlaws very well. I have great friends, both here, back in WI, and now all over the world. I have a warm place to lay my head, my vehicle starts and runs when I need it to, I make enough money to make it beneficial for me to pay for daycare to help provide for my family. I am just so blessed.
So, in the middle of my thinking of all these things, Rick comes in to tell me that he wants to trade in his car, which we have only had a few months, for a vehicle for me so that his girls can be safe and secure while driving around. I told him he feels guilty because he has the nice vehicle and I have the older one. He agreed, but said that is really what he wanted.
I started looking. I knew that the next vehicle I bought, I wanted to be a Jeep Grand Cherokee. I found one about 70 miles from here and we are going to look at it on Friday. I am now pretty excited. I am still uncertain why he has decided to abandon the car, but I guess it is ok with me.
Back to being happy where you are:
I have been pretty down since about March. In March my best friend down here left me! We were really two peas in a pod. We never ran out of things to talk about and it was always a great time when we were together. She really did get me through Rick's deployment. I have mentioned it before, but she kept me sane when I wanted to pull my hair out. I think one of the most special experiences we got to share together was the day Rick came home finally.
He was on the last flight for our Battalion (about 600-700 people total in the Battalion). We had gone to so many home comings together. Her husband was already home and had been since May, mine wasn't coming until January, so it was a little funny that we were not Family Readiness Group leaders, but we still made it to so many. I missed 2 and I am a little glad I missed the 2 I missed. I missed the one on Christmas eve. I was a little happy to miss that one since so many of the guys from our company (about 150 people guys) were coming home and Rick was not one of them. The second one I missed was on New Years Eve, it was at 11:30 at night and I couldn't justify taking H out at that time a night when it wasn't her daddy coming home.
But, the day Rick came home, that was another story. We arrived when we were supposed to, I was so nervous. It was surreal because I had been to so many that I knew what to expect. We got to sit pretty close to the front and the wife of Commander of the whole Brigade (about 3500 people) asked how old H was and if she had seen her daddy yet...I said that she had, but she was only 3 months old at the time and she was 9 months old now. They were so excited for us to be able to see our soldier! Based on the fact that we had been to so many, we knew what music went with what portions. During the Army Strong commercial song, we knew that the guys were walking in to line up behind the large curtain in the gym. When it was playing, Sarah looked over at me and said "he's over there Sara, he's finally over there!" We both just started crying. We were a wreck! We still had to wait, the curtain had to rise, they had to play the Big Red 1 song, the Star Spangled Banner, and then be released, then I would have to find him. All the while, Sarah was holding my 17 pound baby so that I could run to find my love. When they were finally released, Sarah looked at me and yelled...."RUN" So I went running. As many of you know, that was an epic FAIL as I tripped over myself and fell at his feet, but it was all worth it in the end, he was home, in my arms, safe and sound. Sarah brought H and we had our fist family picture in 6 months!
Sarah's status on Facebook later that night was about how she has many friends and each welcome home ceremony was meaningful, but seeing her girl H be reunited with her daddy took the cake. I am crying just remembering it. Whew
I am an Army wife and I knew this would happen. Just like I knew Rick would be deployed and I would go through the fear and anxiety with it, I knew my friends would leave and I would leave and we would meet again at some other post. Well, it is different to know it than to live it!
Sarah was my first friend to leave me in the Army. When I was a kid, no one really moved away, everyone stayed close. When we went to college, everyone left together, even leaving college. I also feel it is so much different leaving someone than being left!
I have decided I do not like being left!
But I will be happy where I am and make new friends when I can. I have already started, a little. Last weekend we made friends with our neighbors and I do like her...she is not the typical Army wife (Sarah isn't either, neither am I), so I love it!
Anyway, I am happy where I am and I will continue to look at the glass as half full!
So, in the middle of my thinking of all these things, Rick comes in to tell me that he wants to trade in his car, which we have only had a few months, for a vehicle for me so that his girls can be safe and secure while driving around. I told him he feels guilty because he has the nice vehicle and I have the older one. He agreed, but said that is really what he wanted.
I started looking. I knew that the next vehicle I bought, I wanted to be a Jeep Grand Cherokee. I found one about 70 miles from here and we are going to look at it on Friday. I am now pretty excited. I am still uncertain why he has decided to abandon the car, but I guess it is ok with me.
Back to being happy where you are:
I have been pretty down since about March. In March my best friend down here left me! We were really two peas in a pod. We never ran out of things to talk about and it was always a great time when we were together. She really did get me through Rick's deployment. I have mentioned it before, but she kept me sane when I wanted to pull my hair out. I think one of the most special experiences we got to share together was the day Rick came home finally.
He was on the last flight for our Battalion (about 600-700 people total in the Battalion). We had gone to so many home comings together. Her husband was already home and had been since May, mine wasn't coming until January, so it was a little funny that we were not Family Readiness Group leaders, but we still made it to so many. I missed 2 and I am a little glad I missed the 2 I missed. I missed the one on Christmas eve. I was a little happy to miss that one since so many of the guys from our company (about 150 people guys) were coming home and Rick was not one of them. The second one I missed was on New Years Eve, it was at 11:30 at night and I couldn't justify taking H out at that time a night when it wasn't her daddy coming home.
But, the day Rick came home, that was another story. We arrived when we were supposed to, I was so nervous. It was surreal because I had been to so many that I knew what to expect. We got to sit pretty close to the front and the wife of Commander of the whole Brigade (about 3500 people) asked how old H was and if she had seen her daddy yet...I said that she had, but she was only 3 months old at the time and she was 9 months old now. They were so excited for us to be able to see our soldier! Based on the fact that we had been to so many, we knew what music went with what portions. During the Army Strong commercial song, we knew that the guys were walking in to line up behind the large curtain in the gym. When it was playing, Sarah looked over at me and said "he's over there Sara, he's finally over there!" We both just started crying. We were a wreck! We still had to wait, the curtain had to rise, they had to play the Big Red 1 song, the Star Spangled Banner, and then be released, then I would have to find him. All the while, Sarah was holding my 17 pound baby so that I could run to find my love. When they were finally released, Sarah looked at me and yelled...."RUN" So I went running. As many of you know, that was an epic FAIL as I tripped over myself and fell at his feet, but it was all worth it in the end, he was home, in my arms, safe and sound. Sarah brought H and we had our fist family picture in 6 months!
Sarah's status on Facebook later that night was about how she has many friends and each welcome home ceremony was meaningful, but seeing her girl H be reunited with her daddy took the cake. I am crying just remembering it. Whew
I am an Army wife and I knew this would happen. Just like I knew Rick would be deployed and I would go through the fear and anxiety with it, I knew my friends would leave and I would leave and we would meet again at some other post. Well, it is different to know it than to live it!
Sarah was my first friend to leave me in the Army. When I was a kid, no one really moved away, everyone stayed close. When we went to college, everyone left together, even leaving college. I also feel it is so much different leaving someone than being left!
I have decided I do not like being left!
But I will be happy where I am and make new friends when I can. I have already started, a little. Last weekend we made friends with our neighbors and I do like her...she is not the typical Army wife (Sarah isn't either, neither am I), so I love it!
Anyway, I am happy where I am and I will continue to look at the glass as half full!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
My sweet baby
So I have to say, my kid is pretty cute! It's funny, everywhere we go, "Awww, she's so cute". Even when she looks a mess, still, the same response. I like that she is smiley and wonderful when we are out and about and when she is with other people. She isn't always that way. My friend told me yesterday was the first time she has heard H cry, "she's always so happy." I can tell you, that is not actually true.
She is pretty lazy though. She was a late crawler, she only has 1 tooth, and she refuses to walk. Oh well...
I take her to the chiropractor and he was telling me not to compare kids, but let's face it, we all do! He said "some kids are microwaves and others are crock pots." I love it...my kid is definitely a crock pot.
She's pretty smart though, knows how to put a cap on things, can remember anything, and holds a grudge like her momma.
I have been discussing matters of the world and have been thinking about what the world may be like for her, when she is my age. First of all, she will have to think about how to take care of her aging parents. We won't be super old, but we will be thinking of retiring by then. She will, hopefully, have finished college with little or no debt because we taught her that. She will be in the workforce, or a stay at home mom, or a traveler. She will have to choose to vote, go to church, who to marry, whether to have children, where to live, where to work, go back to school or not, and the list goes on and on. From huge, life changing choices, to what to make for dinner tonight.
My hope and prayer is that she 1) stays safe! 2) follows Jesus, and 3) knows we are always here when she needs us.
I have been reading more about parenting and active parenting, while I write this Rick is on the floor playing with our dearest one. One article was talking about actually TALKING to your children. I know I talk to H a lot and as if she is a normal person, just in a smaller body. She seems to know that I am talking to her and respond with excitement, most the time. I know this is important, not only to develop her verbal skills, but also to strengthen and grow the bond between us. It is very important to me to have a good relationship with her and to know that she feels she can trust me. I don't want her to feel alone, judged, alienated, or any other isolating adjectives. I want her to know that mommy works hard for her and longs for her to have everything she has ever dreamed of.
I know we will have bumps along the way, but I just pray that we can be friends, when she is grown.
I'm going to stop now so I can go give my little monkey a bath and read her a story before bed.
She is pretty lazy though. She was a late crawler, she only has 1 tooth, and she refuses to walk. Oh well...
I take her to the chiropractor and he was telling me not to compare kids, but let's face it, we all do! He said "some kids are microwaves and others are crock pots." I love it...my kid is definitely a crock pot.
She's pretty smart though, knows how to put a cap on things, can remember anything, and holds a grudge like her momma.
I have been discussing matters of the world and have been thinking about what the world may be like for her, when she is my age. First of all, she will have to think about how to take care of her aging parents. We won't be super old, but we will be thinking of retiring by then. She will, hopefully, have finished college with little or no debt because we taught her that. She will be in the workforce, or a stay at home mom, or a traveler. She will have to choose to vote, go to church, who to marry, whether to have children, where to live, where to work, go back to school or not, and the list goes on and on. From huge, life changing choices, to what to make for dinner tonight.
My hope and prayer is that she 1) stays safe! 2) follows Jesus, and 3) knows we are always here when she needs us.
I have been reading more about parenting and active parenting, while I write this Rick is on the floor playing with our dearest one. One article was talking about actually TALKING to your children. I know I talk to H a lot and as if she is a normal person, just in a smaller body. She seems to know that I am talking to her and respond with excitement, most the time. I know this is important, not only to develop her verbal skills, but also to strengthen and grow the bond between us. It is very important to me to have a good relationship with her and to know that she feels she can trust me. I don't want her to feel alone, judged, alienated, or any other isolating adjectives. I want her to know that mommy works hard for her and longs for her to have everything she has ever dreamed of.
I know we will have bumps along the way, but I just pray that we can be friends, when she is grown.
I'm going to stop now so I can go give my little monkey a bath and read her a story before bed.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
His grace is sufficient for me
I am not titling this blog until the end, mainly because I don't know what to title it...I have so much in my head!
First, I need to apologize to my amazing husband. He really is so good to me and I made him out to be a bad guy in the last post. He really is such a sound of strength for me. It's hard for me because I am pretty independent, but codependent all at the same time. This seems pretty crazy right! What a contradiction.
I was talking with my friend about how insecure and self conscious I am. That is pretty honest right now! It seemed strange to her because I seem to have it going on and keep it together. I think that is where my, always in my head, comes in. I have a HUGE fear of failure. I fear failing in my marriage, my job, as a mother, as a Christian, and just at life in general. This is pretty overwhelming.
That fear goes hand-in-hand with my self-consciousness. This makes me feel like, even if I don't fail, it won't be good enough. There is always something I can do better, I'm not good enough, not thoughtful enough. That can be pretty frustrating too.
I find myself being very consumed with work. I find a lot of self fulfillment in it and it is extra tough when I get frustrated at work or feel like I am not effective. I yearn to be effective, I need to be effective!
The worst part is that I can rationalize myself out of this...God loves me just the way I am and I need to lean into him for strength, compassion, and answers. I know all that, but I have a harder time doing it. I know that he loves and accepts me, but I don't accept what I am bringing to him.
We sing a song at church that is my FAVORITE! It says 'All I have is yours'. What if all I have is not good enough? What if my offering is not looked upon with favor? What if it is just that I am plainly not good enough?
That is where grace comes in. I know that his grace is sufficient for me. He forgives me for all of it. I once talked to my brother about 'forgiving myself' for some things I have done. He provided such great wisdom on this subject. He said that God forgave me for all my sins when Jesus died on the cross. When I say that I have to forgive myself, it is cheapening Jesus' sacrifice by telling God, 'your forgiveness is not enough, I have to give some too.' Wow, what a concept. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I ask for forgiveness from those I have wronged/hurt/betrayed, and I ask forgiveness from God, and he covers me with his grace.
I have been 'off' this week. I have my ipod on every day at work and I mainly tune it out, but sometimes I tune in. Two songs today...one was about having a few nicks in my fender and a couple rips in my jeans...that God's got big plans for me. The other was 'It is well with my soul'. It is well with my soul.
I started this blog beaten, deflated, but I am ending on a high note...it is well with my soul. I will be ok and God is my Lord. I love to be able to have the piece of mind that I will be home with him one day. Praise God for his wonderful grace.
First, I need to apologize to my amazing husband. He really is so good to me and I made him out to be a bad guy in the last post. He really is such a sound of strength for me. It's hard for me because I am pretty independent, but codependent all at the same time. This seems pretty crazy right! What a contradiction.
I was talking with my friend about how insecure and self conscious I am. That is pretty honest right now! It seemed strange to her because I seem to have it going on and keep it together. I think that is where my, always in my head, comes in. I have a HUGE fear of failure. I fear failing in my marriage, my job, as a mother, as a Christian, and just at life in general. This is pretty overwhelming.
That fear goes hand-in-hand with my self-consciousness. This makes me feel like, even if I don't fail, it won't be good enough. There is always something I can do better, I'm not good enough, not thoughtful enough. That can be pretty frustrating too.
I find myself being very consumed with work. I find a lot of self fulfillment in it and it is extra tough when I get frustrated at work or feel like I am not effective. I yearn to be effective, I need to be effective!
The worst part is that I can rationalize myself out of this...God loves me just the way I am and I need to lean into him for strength, compassion, and answers. I know all that, but I have a harder time doing it. I know that he loves and accepts me, but I don't accept what I am bringing to him.
We sing a song at church that is my FAVORITE! It says 'All I have is yours'. What if all I have is not good enough? What if my offering is not looked upon with favor? What if it is just that I am plainly not good enough?
That is where grace comes in. I know that his grace is sufficient for me. He forgives me for all of it. I once talked to my brother about 'forgiving myself' for some things I have done. He provided such great wisdom on this subject. He said that God forgave me for all my sins when Jesus died on the cross. When I say that I have to forgive myself, it is cheapening Jesus' sacrifice by telling God, 'your forgiveness is not enough, I have to give some too.' Wow, what a concept. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I ask for forgiveness from those I have wronged/hurt/betrayed, and I ask forgiveness from God, and he covers me with his grace.
I have been 'off' this week. I have my ipod on every day at work and I mainly tune it out, but sometimes I tune in. Two songs today...one was about having a few nicks in my fender and a couple rips in my jeans...that God's got big plans for me. The other was 'It is well with my soul'. It is well with my soul.
I started this blog beaten, deflated, but I am ending on a high note...it is well with my soul. I will be ok and God is my Lord. I love to be able to have the piece of mind that I will be home with him one day. Praise God for his wonderful grace.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day
So today is Mother's Day...yay! I am always the first to say that I am not the best mom, today was no different.
I think I have a delusion of what Mother's Day is actually like, mainly because of the media. They show commercials with beautiful flowers, nice dinners, jewelry, spa days, and mom sleeping in and relaxing...well, not at the Konish house.
Last year, my first mother's day, I got beautiful flowers from Rick and H. (I know the flowers I got throughout his deployment were from his mom signing his name, but I know he thought to have her send them). It was a somewhat relaxing day...I had my gallbladder out the very next day, but it was relaxing none-the-less.
This year, not so much. I woke up with my very crabby baby 30 mins earlier than we needed to. My loving husband slept until 10 mins before we had to leave for church. H cried and screamed almost the whole way to church, as if to say "I hate that you make me do this!"
Church was good.
On the way home, H screaming again, we stopped at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get new bathroom stuff (we have had ours for 3 years and they are bleached out and yuck). Rick picked out the colors, I picked out the shower curtain, and I got a new rug for outside the front door. We got our beloved coffee for the Kurig.
Then, back to the car. H screaming again, finally she did go to sleep. We decided to hit up a drive thruon the way home...Big Boys, how nice. I should have picked McDonald's. Anyway, we get home and H won't go down for a nap. Sundays always throw her for a loop because it is completely out of the norm for her.
Finally, she sleeps, I am relaxing on the couch watching Sister Wives (whole different post should be devoted to that!). Rick goes to lay down. H gets up and is crabby once more, mom to the rescue. We go grocery shopping, H and I. When I get home, Rick wakes up from his nap...after I have carried in all the groceries and put them away. I start supper feeling unappreciated and sad. I got a half, Happy Mother's Day baby, through the screen door this morning, no flowers, no card, no jewelry, ugh!
I know my family loves me and they do appreciate me. I just hate organized holidays! So, here's to next year :)
I think I have a delusion of what Mother's Day is actually like, mainly because of the media. They show commercials with beautiful flowers, nice dinners, jewelry, spa days, and mom sleeping in and relaxing...well, not at the Konish house.
Last year, my first mother's day, I got beautiful flowers from Rick and H. (I know the flowers I got throughout his deployment were from his mom signing his name, but I know he thought to have her send them). It was a somewhat relaxing day...I had my gallbladder out the very next day, but it was relaxing none-the-less.
This year, not so much. I woke up with my very crabby baby 30 mins earlier than we needed to. My loving husband slept until 10 mins before we had to leave for church. H cried and screamed almost the whole way to church, as if to say "I hate that you make me do this!"
Church was good.
On the way home, H screaming again, we stopped at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get new bathroom stuff (we have had ours for 3 years and they are bleached out and yuck). Rick picked out the colors, I picked out the shower curtain, and I got a new rug for outside the front door. We got our beloved coffee for the Kurig.
Then, back to the car. H screaming again, finally she did go to sleep. We decided to hit up a drive thruon the way home...Big Boys, how nice. I should have picked McDonald's. Anyway, we get home and H won't go down for a nap. Sundays always throw her for a loop because it is completely out of the norm for her.
Finally, she sleeps, I am relaxing on the couch watching Sister Wives (whole different post should be devoted to that!). Rick goes to lay down. H gets up and is crabby once more, mom to the rescue. We go grocery shopping, H and I. When I get home, Rick wakes up from his nap...after I have carried in all the groceries and put them away. I start supper feeling unappreciated and sad. I got a half, Happy Mother's Day baby, through the screen door this morning, no flowers, no card, no jewelry, ugh!
I know my family loves me and they do appreciate me. I just hate organized holidays! So, here's to next year :)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The new worst part!
I have been taking a Zumba class with my friend Ty for 2 weeks now, and I have learned a lot about myself. The first thing I learned, I already knew...I am SO out of shape! Anyway, once one moves past the obveous and moves into the more deeper realms, I learned that I am not very good at rythem, however I am working on that!
One of the biggest things I have noticed is that I look EXACTLY like my mother! I know they say that if you want to know what your wife will look like in 20 years, look at her mother, but MAN. Even the way the light reflects off my calves, just like my mom! I love my mom dearly and realized I was carrying my weight like she does after having H, but I guess it really became reality. I have always been like my dad in personallity, very controling, STUBBORN, and hard headed...this made my teen years a little rough. I am the only girl, after 3 boys, so he didn't really know how to handle me. We learned to deal with each other and have a very good relationship now, but there were lots of growing pains getting there.
I have always said that if I am 1/2 the mother to my kids as my mom was to us, my children will be blessed. I really do believe that with all my heart, but I didn't know that would include looking like her too:)
Last night I was watching Dance Moms Miami. I don't actually like the show, but it is a little like a bad train wreck that you just can't peel your eyes away from. The story line is a reality show about a dance studio of 6-14 year old kids learning to dance on a competition team. This studio requires the kids to be weighed once a month. This was pretty crazy to me, considering one of the little girls was heavier, but her mom didn't seem to have a problem with it. The mom who stood up for her daughter and did not require her to step on the scale was right on the money! Her arguement was that in the day and age where so many girls have eating disorders, she is not putting her daughter on a scale in front of a group of other kids because she does not have a weight problem. Right on mom!
That being said...I was in Zumba class today, sweating my butt off screaming at myself for letting myself get this way and I thought of those little girls. I think it is important to have a healthy body image. As someone who struggles with self confidence, I think it is so important to know how to love yourself and see yourself the way God sees you...I'm not very good at that!
So, I have always hated my thighs, I think they are manly and have always been too big. Now I have hips that I didn't have before...one more thing H gave me! I have embraced my thighs, slightly. My new worst part is my arms. We all have them (I learned that in Zumba today). Even the thinner ladies had saggy arms, also known as lunch lady arms! I have felt mine are gross and need to go, but haven't done anything about it, so now I am. I am determined to be healthier and to love my body and God loves me and see the good in it, rather than pick it apart constiently. This will work! I am determined, stubborn, and hard headed enough to make it!
Alright, that's enough...more to follow!
One of the biggest things I have noticed is that I look EXACTLY like my mother! I know they say that if you want to know what your wife will look like in 20 years, look at her mother, but MAN. Even the way the light reflects off my calves, just like my mom! I love my mom dearly and realized I was carrying my weight like she does after having H, but I guess it really became reality. I have always been like my dad in personallity, very controling, STUBBORN, and hard headed...this made my teen years a little rough. I am the only girl, after 3 boys, so he didn't really know how to handle me. We learned to deal with each other and have a very good relationship now, but there were lots of growing pains getting there.
I have always said that if I am 1/2 the mother to my kids as my mom was to us, my children will be blessed. I really do believe that with all my heart, but I didn't know that would include looking like her too:)
Last night I was watching Dance Moms Miami. I don't actually like the show, but it is a little like a bad train wreck that you just can't peel your eyes away from. The story line is a reality show about a dance studio of 6-14 year old kids learning to dance on a competition team. This studio requires the kids to be weighed once a month. This was pretty crazy to me, considering one of the little girls was heavier, but her mom didn't seem to have a problem with it. The mom who stood up for her daughter and did not require her to step on the scale was right on the money! Her arguement was that in the day and age where so many girls have eating disorders, she is not putting her daughter on a scale in front of a group of other kids because she does not have a weight problem. Right on mom!
That being said...I was in Zumba class today, sweating my butt off screaming at myself for letting myself get this way and I thought of those little girls. I think it is important to have a healthy body image. As someone who struggles with self confidence, I think it is so important to know how to love yourself and see yourself the way God sees you...I'm not very good at that!
So, I have always hated my thighs, I think they are manly and have always been too big. Now I have hips that I didn't have before...one more thing H gave me! I have embraced my thighs, slightly. My new worst part is my arms. We all have them (I learned that in Zumba today). Even the thinner ladies had saggy arms, also known as lunch lady arms! I have felt mine are gross and need to go, but haven't done anything about it, so now I am. I am determined to be healthier and to love my body and God loves me and see the good in it, rather than pick it apart constiently. This will work! I am determined, stubborn, and hard headed enough to make it!
Alright, that's enough...more to follow!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
This is the Stuff You Use
While Rick was deployed last year, my very dear friend Laura was a constant strength for me. During that time, I found the song "This is the stuff" by Francesca Battistelli (yes, it is now playing on my iphone because I don't know how to spell her name:) This song was me:) It talks about losing her phone (that NEVER happened while Rick was gone, I practically duct taped it to my hip!). The more fitting is the speeding ticket verse, yep, my heavy foot has gotten me one or two of those.
Anyway, the refrain says
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess,
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose,
But this is the stuff You use.
The bridge says:
So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world.
That is a BIG statement! Every time I would get frustrated that Rick hadn't made contact in what I thought was a reasonable amount of time, H wouldn't sleep through the night, the battery died on the Jeep, I would have a bad day at work, or I would just have a bad hair day, I would talk to Laura about it and I would hear that song in my head. I even remember saying it to her a few times.
Well, I have been having a little trouble lately feeling worthy, good enough, good at all...pretty frustrating stuff actually. I am trying to work through those issues, but today was a "blessings" day!
I woke up with the spots on my chest spreading to my neck...I didn't know what it was, but spreading anything is not cool with me! Last night H was squeaking, like she was losing her voice, so this morning she wasn't feeling great. Due to the fact that she didn't have a fever, I couldn't justify staying home with her, even though I dearly wanted to. So, on the way to day care, the check engine light came on in the Jeep. I called Rick right away...no answer (he hasn't set up his voicemail, on purpose, so people can't leave him annoying messages, I guess that includes his wife). I dropped H off at day care and went to work. When he called and I explained the situation, he said that I would have to make an appointment to get it checked out, I asked if he could do it, the response : 'not today'. Of course. So, then I made an appointment for my skin, since a lot of the girls at work thought it could be anything from measles to stress hives. (I could see both actually). When I went to the doctor this afternoon, the light didn't come on in the Jeep...YAY, I dodged that bullet! I found out my bumps are a contact allergy (probably from one of the babies from the church nursery on Sunday! Germmy babies :)) she gave me meds and sent me on my way. Got back in the Jeep, no light (perfect!!!) Then I tried to turn into our driveway! It was as if the power steering went out. When Rick got home he looked at it. As much as I love my husband, I knew we were probably taking it to a garage. Sure enough, we dropped it off tonight and he (Rick) thinks it is the radiator, no idea what part or what exactly, just that the temp kept going up and up.
So, there I am, in the middle of a 'blessing'. There are some good points, we had a great dinner, I know what is wrong with my skin, H is sleeping in her crib after a good day at school, Rick has a ride to work tomorrow, we both have jobs to earn enough money to have an emergency fund for just this incident, so I need to see the good, not the bad.
And now, I have 1/2 the homework done for one of my 2 masters classes. I also have 10 more tutus to make before Saturday...for adults! Yes, we are doing the Run for the Red, which is a 5k (walk) for the Red Cross. Our team (the women) are wearing tutus and I am making them...pics to follow.
That's it for today, more to follow on the status of the 'blessings'.
Anyway, the refrain says
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess,
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose,
But this is the stuff You use.
The bridge says:
So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world.
That is a BIG statement! Every time I would get frustrated that Rick hadn't made contact in what I thought was a reasonable amount of time, H wouldn't sleep through the night, the battery died on the Jeep, I would have a bad day at work, or I would just have a bad hair day, I would talk to Laura about it and I would hear that song in my head. I even remember saying it to her a few times.
Well, I have been having a little trouble lately feeling worthy, good enough, good at all...pretty frustrating stuff actually. I am trying to work through those issues, but today was a "blessings" day!
I woke up with the spots on my chest spreading to my neck...I didn't know what it was, but spreading anything is not cool with me! Last night H was squeaking, like she was losing her voice, so this morning she wasn't feeling great. Due to the fact that she didn't have a fever, I couldn't justify staying home with her, even though I dearly wanted to. So, on the way to day care, the check engine light came on in the Jeep. I called Rick right away...no answer (he hasn't set up his voicemail, on purpose, so people can't leave him annoying messages, I guess that includes his wife). I dropped H off at day care and went to work. When he called and I explained the situation, he said that I would have to make an appointment to get it checked out, I asked if he could do it, the response : 'not today'. Of course. So, then I made an appointment for my skin, since a lot of the girls at work thought it could be anything from measles to stress hives. (I could see both actually). When I went to the doctor this afternoon, the light didn't come on in the Jeep...YAY, I dodged that bullet! I found out my bumps are a contact allergy (probably from one of the babies from the church nursery on Sunday! Germmy babies :)) she gave me meds and sent me on my way. Got back in the Jeep, no light (perfect!!!) Then I tried to turn into our driveway! It was as if the power steering went out. When Rick got home he looked at it. As much as I love my husband, I knew we were probably taking it to a garage. Sure enough, we dropped it off tonight and he (Rick) thinks it is the radiator, no idea what part or what exactly, just that the temp kept going up and up.
So, there I am, in the middle of a 'blessing'. There are some good points, we had a great dinner, I know what is wrong with my skin, H is sleeping in her crib after a good day at school, Rick has a ride to work tomorrow, we both have jobs to earn enough money to have an emergency fund for just this incident, so I need to see the good, not the bad.
And now, I have 1/2 the homework done for one of my 2 masters classes. I also have 10 more tutus to make before Saturday...for adults! Yes, we are doing the Run for the Red, which is a 5k (walk) for the Red Cross. Our team (the women) are wearing tutus and I am making them...pics to follow.
That's it for today, more to follow on the status of the 'blessings'.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The Beginning
This is my first blog...a little nervous I will admit. I have been told I am 'too in my head', so I thought blogging may help that. I guess first some background...
-first, the name of the blog! My husband, Rick, is a medic in the Army. He is currently attached (belongs to) the Big Red One. For those of you who aren't Army people, that is kind of a big deal because the Big Red One is in EVERYTHING. Most of the war movies are about some portion of the Big Red One. Anyway, I digress...I went to my first Family Readiness Group (FRG) meeting. This is a meeting where the spouses of the soldiers get together to get information from the command and join together to do volunteer projects, gain support, you know, whatever. So, I was sitting there, minding my own business, when this guy came up and said: "Are you Mrs. Doc?" I had to think about the question for a minute...was I Mrs. Doc? Medics in the Army are called 'Doc', therefore Rick is called Doc Konish, so...Yes, I guess I am Mrs. Doc. He was very excited to meet me and couldn't stop raving about how awesome Rick is. It warmed my heart, so I decided I liked it! It sure does beat Mrs. Konish.
So, next, our family structure! Boy, I could probably go on for days about that! I am married to a wonderful man, Rick. We have been married since September 8, 2008. We got married in Germany, alone. Well, except our friend Jutta and her twin boys (2 at the time) Jason and Justin. We then had a ceremony (really an actual wedding) back home in WI on August 8, 2009. My mom says that is the day our marriage became real to everyone, because they got to see it. It hasn't always been sunshine and roses I can tell you! We started out in Germany...
I worked as an intern for the federal government (the Army) as a Civilian! I was/am a Human Resources Specialist. After I completed my internship, they 'placed' me in Germany. So, I was 24, I had just met this great guy (well started dating him at least) about 3 weeks before I left, and now I am going halfway across the world, ALONE, with my dog! Ugh!
Before I left, I was at Ricks parent's house and we were having dinner. It was the first time I met his brother Steven. When his mom said that I was moving to Germany, he just looked at me with a very puzzled face. He finally asked, "is Ricky going with you?" I said no, he was going to come visit in October, I was leaving in August. Grace chimed in immediately and said "I will send him to her though. I wouldn't give him to just anyone, but I will give him to you, Sara." I couldn't imagine this conversation happening at my parent's house. There would be no way my parents would let me do that.
Well, on October 4, 2007, Rick moved to Germany! It was the first time I had ever lived with anyone. I had pretty much lived alone, so if I didn't want to pick up my socks, I didn't...that caused some growing pains;) On October 6, 2007, Rick asked me to be his wife and I said YES!!! I knew he was coming with a ring and was somewhat disappointed it took him 2 days to ask!
Anyway, Germany was fine, we were broke! It was super expensive and we weren't making much money, so we decided to come home.
We moved back to WI and things were going ok. Rick decided he wanted a career, not just a job, so he enlisted in the Army. That was interesting. He left for basic training October 6, 2009. He was in Ft Benning, GA learning to be a solider in the most difficult basic training site in the Army. He graduated from basic in December 2009. In January 2010, he went to Ft Sam Houston (San Antonio, TX) for AIT (Advanced Individual Training). So, now he was learning to be a medic. When he joined the Army, he told me he was going to be a Health Systems Specialist...ok, that sounds pretty nice. Then, about 1/2 way through basic training, I found out it is actually a Combat Medic...TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!! Oh well, we were going to roll with it. He graduated AIT in May 2010.
From April to July 2010, I was detailed to Headquarters Army for a developmental assignment in HR. This was quite a learning experience, but prolonged our time apart. We moved to Ft Knox, Rick in June, me in July 2010. When he got here, he found out they were deploying in January 2011. We had said the whole time, give us 6 months to a year before he deploys so that we can have some time together before that happens, oh...and we wanted a baby. Almost 6 months to the day from reporting to Knox, he deployed.
When he deployed, I was about 6 months pregnant with our daughter. It was pretty emotional. First of all, I was pregnant, and anyone who has been pregnant knows that you are not emotionally stable to begin with, then add the stress of saying goodbye to your husband. I couldn't stop thinking about how that may be the last time I saw his face. I knew he would be safe and I trusted his platoon SGT, so I was ok, as ok as I could be.
My mom came to be with me when I had the baby, thank God! Halaina Kathryn was born March 27, 2011. She was perfect! I was terrified. Now I have to ensure this little thing stays alive until July when Rick comes home to meet her, and that will only be for 2 weeks! AHHHHH.
Well, we made it. Rick came home for R&R (2 week leave during deployment) and fell in love with Halaina, and she with him. I went back to work in July and learned what it was really like to be a single mom...hats off to ALL the single moms out there!
Rick came back January 2012. That was pretty emotional. He was finally safe, I didn't have to wonder every day if the knock on the door was 'the knock'. I didn't have to worry about unplanned phone calls, or memorial services, or phone trees, or anything like that, he was home, and safe!
Life has happened since then...I find it difficult to co-parent. I think mainly because I am a control freak and I 'learned' to be a mom alone for the first 9 months of her life, so when someone else is doing it differently, I have to just step back and let it happen. IT is ok, it doesn't matter. Adjusting to family life again is difficult. It is hard to know when to give in and know that he is ok, just being quiet, or if something is really wrong. Communication is interesting!
For 1 year, he chose when we talked, how we talked, and a lot of what we talked about because I refused to talk to him about the petty stuff that didn't matter. Now, we are together every day. Before we would talk once every 5-7 days, and by talk I mean some form of communication, rarely verbal. It could be as simple as a facebook message or email. He made sure I knew he was alive and ok. I would send countless boxes, I don't even know how much money I spent on Amp Energy Drinks (which you aren't really supposed to mail). Anyway, now we are here, knee deep in reintegration, learning to be together as the people we have become.
I love our life, but I think this blog will help me release some of the things jammed up in my head!
Enjoy :)
-first, the name of the blog! My husband, Rick, is a medic in the Army. He is currently attached (belongs to) the Big Red One. For those of you who aren't Army people, that is kind of a big deal because the Big Red One is in EVERYTHING. Most of the war movies are about some portion of the Big Red One. Anyway, I digress...I went to my first Family Readiness Group (FRG) meeting. This is a meeting where the spouses of the soldiers get together to get information from the command and join together to do volunteer projects, gain support, you know, whatever. So, I was sitting there, minding my own business, when this guy came up and said: "Are you Mrs. Doc?" I had to think about the question for a minute...was I Mrs. Doc? Medics in the Army are called 'Doc', therefore Rick is called Doc Konish, so...Yes, I guess I am Mrs. Doc. He was very excited to meet me and couldn't stop raving about how awesome Rick is. It warmed my heart, so I decided I liked it! It sure does beat Mrs. Konish.
So, next, our family structure! Boy, I could probably go on for days about that! I am married to a wonderful man, Rick. We have been married since September 8, 2008. We got married in Germany, alone. Well, except our friend Jutta and her twin boys (2 at the time) Jason and Justin. We then had a ceremony (really an actual wedding) back home in WI on August 8, 2009. My mom says that is the day our marriage became real to everyone, because they got to see it. It hasn't always been sunshine and roses I can tell you! We started out in Germany...
I worked as an intern for the federal government (the Army) as a Civilian! I was/am a Human Resources Specialist. After I completed my internship, they 'placed' me in Germany. So, I was 24, I had just met this great guy (well started dating him at least) about 3 weeks before I left, and now I am going halfway across the world, ALONE, with my dog! Ugh!
Before I left, I was at Ricks parent's house and we were having dinner. It was the first time I met his brother Steven. When his mom said that I was moving to Germany, he just looked at me with a very puzzled face. He finally asked, "is Ricky going with you?" I said no, he was going to come visit in October, I was leaving in August. Grace chimed in immediately and said "I will send him to her though. I wouldn't give him to just anyone, but I will give him to you, Sara." I couldn't imagine this conversation happening at my parent's house. There would be no way my parents would let me do that.
Well, on October 4, 2007, Rick moved to Germany! It was the first time I had ever lived with anyone. I had pretty much lived alone, so if I didn't want to pick up my socks, I didn't...that caused some growing pains;) On October 6, 2007, Rick asked me to be his wife and I said YES!!! I knew he was coming with a ring and was somewhat disappointed it took him 2 days to ask!
Anyway, Germany was fine, we were broke! It was super expensive and we weren't making much money, so we decided to come home.
We moved back to WI and things were going ok. Rick decided he wanted a career, not just a job, so he enlisted in the Army. That was interesting. He left for basic training October 6, 2009. He was in Ft Benning, GA learning to be a solider in the most difficult basic training site in the Army. He graduated from basic in December 2009. In January 2010, he went to Ft Sam Houston (San Antonio, TX) for AIT (Advanced Individual Training). So, now he was learning to be a medic. When he joined the Army, he told me he was going to be a Health Systems Specialist...ok, that sounds pretty nice. Then, about 1/2 way through basic training, I found out it is actually a Combat Medic...TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!! Oh well, we were going to roll with it. He graduated AIT in May 2010.
From April to July 2010, I was detailed to Headquarters Army for a developmental assignment in HR. This was quite a learning experience, but prolonged our time apart. We moved to Ft Knox, Rick in June, me in July 2010. When he got here, he found out they were deploying in January 2011. We had said the whole time, give us 6 months to a year before he deploys so that we can have some time together before that happens, oh...and we wanted a baby. Almost 6 months to the day from reporting to Knox, he deployed.
When he deployed, I was about 6 months pregnant with our daughter. It was pretty emotional. First of all, I was pregnant, and anyone who has been pregnant knows that you are not emotionally stable to begin with, then add the stress of saying goodbye to your husband. I couldn't stop thinking about how that may be the last time I saw his face. I knew he would be safe and I trusted his platoon SGT, so I was ok, as ok as I could be.
My mom came to be with me when I had the baby, thank God! Halaina Kathryn was born March 27, 2011. She was perfect! I was terrified. Now I have to ensure this little thing stays alive until July when Rick comes home to meet her, and that will only be for 2 weeks! AHHHHH.
Well, we made it. Rick came home for R&R (2 week leave during deployment) and fell in love with Halaina, and she with him. I went back to work in July and learned what it was really like to be a single mom...hats off to ALL the single moms out there!
Rick came back January 2012. That was pretty emotional. He was finally safe, I didn't have to wonder every day if the knock on the door was 'the knock'. I didn't have to worry about unplanned phone calls, or memorial services, or phone trees, or anything like that, he was home, and safe!
Life has happened since then...I find it difficult to co-parent. I think mainly because I am a control freak and I 'learned' to be a mom alone for the first 9 months of her life, so when someone else is doing it differently, I have to just step back and let it happen. IT is ok, it doesn't matter. Adjusting to family life again is difficult. It is hard to know when to give in and know that he is ok, just being quiet, or if something is really wrong. Communication is interesting!
For 1 year, he chose when we talked, how we talked, and a lot of what we talked about because I refused to talk to him about the petty stuff that didn't matter. Now, we are together every day. Before we would talk once every 5-7 days, and by talk I mean some form of communication, rarely verbal. It could be as simple as a facebook message or email. He made sure I knew he was alive and ok. I would send countless boxes, I don't even know how much money I spent on Amp Energy Drinks (which you aren't really supposed to mail). Anyway, now we are here, knee deep in reintegration, learning to be together as the people we have become.
I love our life, but I think this blog will help me release some of the things jammed up in my head!
Enjoy :)
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