As you all know, I have become a Stay At Home Mom (SHAM). This was not really a choice for me, but rather a default since I can't seem to find a job. I know I seem to complain about this a lot. I am not cut out for this line of work and I am big enough to say that...again.
Well, while talking to my good friend, a few weeks ago, she stated something I hadn't thought about...she said that most SHAMs get to start with an infant, not a 2 year old!
I have really been thinking about that the last couple of days...boy is that right. Today, I was in the shower and H was standing outside the shower doors just screaming because I wasn't letting her in. Let's be clear, the shower is very small, it is a 1 person shower for sure! So, no, I was not going to take the time to undress her and have her come into the shower with me, and then yell because she didn't like where the shaving cream was on the wall...ugh. It was easier to just let her scream outside the shower.
I was thinking about what she was like as an infant and how wonderful she was. Well...I think it is true that you forget a lot of the bad stuff because I KNOW she was annoying to me as an infant too. I think what makes it more annoying now is that she knows what to do, how to do things, but doesn't want to. She just cries and whines until she makes me do it!
Well, today was a very trying day for mommy! We started whinning at 8:25 and she has continued to whine even now at 6:45. I can't put her to bed because then she will be up at 2 ready to play and I have a big day tomorrow.
That brings me to another thing! I have Red Cross Volunteer orientation tomorrow! I am so beyond excited!!!! It will give me a chance to get out of the house, be social, and h can go to be social with other kids. The ONLY downside to this is...wait for it...I am not getting paid. At this point, it is worth it just to get out of the house and get some exposure to people. I am really hoping this leads to a paying job, somewhere!
I will be working (volunteering) in the hospital Rick works at, so that makes it easier too...at least I won't have for have lunch alone all the time.
Anyway, that's enough for now...tomorrow is another day and it will be fine. My mom's suggestion was to create a journal to write down all the things she is doing, the only problem with that is that it may not be all positive for her to read in the future.
Today's entry would read:
Today you learned how to open your bedroom door...this is not the best life skill at this time because that means you can escape my captivity and continue to bug me.
Also, you are learning the very important life skill of pulling up and pushing down your undies so you can go potty by yourself...it works better when you have pants on...for some reason.
Oh well...some day!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
What do you do?
I haven't written in quite some time, some due to the lack of internet connection (order service on February 14th, received service March 28th)...I don't ever want to hear anyone complain about slow service again!
As many of you know, we have moved to Germany...I'm sure you are sick of hearing about it. This post will probably not be very positive, I apologized now for that!
Due to the move, I requested to be placed on Leave Without Pay (LWOP) from my job at Ft Knox...what that means is that I am still considered a Federal Government Employee, I am just not working. The benefit to this is that I don't lose my status, I can get hired easier, and I keep my seniority. Well, in theory.
I requested 90 days of LWOP to start on 1 February 2013. I had applied for many jobs prior to coming over here, I had sent my resume to the director of the office here that is like my office at Knox, nothing. Then the government ran out of money...great! So no one was hiring...well, they were still announcing jobs, I was still applying, I was still kinda holding out hope to get picked up in the office here like the office in the states. I requested to be registered for a program that helps spouses obtain employment quicker, it is like a priority consideration list. Well, long story short, they don't do that here because they don't HAVE to. UGH! Then I found out that there was some not so nice stuff being said about me to the director here, so that would explain the reason I never heard back from him. That makes me extremely frustrated as the information provided was about the time I was here last when my life was completely unstable and I was young and making a bunch of mistakes. Since that time, I have gained knowledge, experience, and balance. oh, well...to each their own.
Now I am applying for jobs, I was being a little picky, but then all stops were off because I needed something. I was still being a little choosy in what I would apply for. Well, my 90 days are up in 17 days, so I asked for an extension, 60 more days...I really asked for an extension until October, but she gave me 60 days. That puts me to 3 July. I haven't had an interview, a phone call, NOTHING!!! I'm not quite sure why, but I am getting very frustrated.
So, I turn to my amazing mom for support, her advice is to enjoy the time I am home with H. Yeah, that ended about 50 days ago! I am not becoming bitter, feeling frustrated, useless, and abandoned. I feel like I am not valuable enough to get a job, which makes me crazy. I know I have great skills and I know I should be content where I am at, but it is not working very well for me.
I have said many times that I am not cut out to be a SAHM...people I know tell me that too, so I know it isn't just me. I feel like I am a worse mother to H. I feel like she may have more quantity time with me, but the quality has diminished. I find myself unmotivated, unproductive, and slobby. I take a shower just so that I don't feel like I have accomplished nothing when Rick comes home at night.
Yes, I cook, I take care of H, I provide her with love and support, teaching her life lessons (like how to pull your undies up and down), but I don't feel fulfilled, I don't feel useful, I don't feel like I am contributing to society, or the household.
Rick doesn't care really, he knows I want a job, not because we cannot make it on his pay, but because I find joy in working. I find my identity in working. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I am not getting any offers because I cannot identify myself with my job, I have to be more than just a job, mom or otherwise. I have to find ME, not something else. Ok, that is what I am going to work on and toward. Finding an identity outside of SGT Konish's wife, H's mom, and a Federal employee...I have to be more...I have to be Sara Konish, and figure out what that really means!
I will keep you posted on the progress.
As many of you know, we have moved to Germany...I'm sure you are sick of hearing about it. This post will probably not be very positive, I apologized now for that!
Due to the move, I requested to be placed on Leave Without Pay (LWOP) from my job at Ft Knox...what that means is that I am still considered a Federal Government Employee, I am just not working. The benefit to this is that I don't lose my status, I can get hired easier, and I keep my seniority. Well, in theory.
I requested 90 days of LWOP to start on 1 February 2013. I had applied for many jobs prior to coming over here, I had sent my resume to the director of the office here that is like my office at Knox, nothing. Then the government ran out of money...great! So no one was hiring...well, they were still announcing jobs, I was still applying, I was still kinda holding out hope to get picked up in the office here like the office in the states. I requested to be registered for a program that helps spouses obtain employment quicker, it is like a priority consideration list. Well, long story short, they don't do that here because they don't HAVE to. UGH! Then I found out that there was some not so nice stuff being said about me to the director here, so that would explain the reason I never heard back from him. That makes me extremely frustrated as the information provided was about the time I was here last when my life was completely unstable and I was young and making a bunch of mistakes. Since that time, I have gained knowledge, experience, and balance. oh, well...to each their own.
Now I am applying for jobs, I was being a little picky, but then all stops were off because I needed something. I was still being a little choosy in what I would apply for. Well, my 90 days are up in 17 days, so I asked for an extension, 60 more days...I really asked for an extension until October, but she gave me 60 days. That puts me to 3 July. I haven't had an interview, a phone call, NOTHING!!! I'm not quite sure why, but I am getting very frustrated.
So, I turn to my amazing mom for support, her advice is to enjoy the time I am home with H. Yeah, that ended about 50 days ago! I am not becoming bitter, feeling frustrated, useless, and abandoned. I feel like I am not valuable enough to get a job, which makes me crazy. I know I have great skills and I know I should be content where I am at, but it is not working very well for me.
I have said many times that I am not cut out to be a SAHM...people I know tell me that too, so I know it isn't just me. I feel like I am a worse mother to H. I feel like she may have more quantity time with me, but the quality has diminished. I find myself unmotivated, unproductive, and slobby. I take a shower just so that I don't feel like I have accomplished nothing when Rick comes home at night.
Yes, I cook, I take care of H, I provide her with love and support, teaching her life lessons (like how to pull your undies up and down), but I don't feel fulfilled, I don't feel useful, I don't feel like I am contributing to society, or the household.
Rick doesn't care really, he knows I want a job, not because we cannot make it on his pay, but because I find joy in working. I find my identity in working. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I am not getting any offers because I cannot identify myself with my job, I have to be more than just a job, mom or otherwise. I have to find ME, not something else. Ok, that is what I am going to work on and toward. Finding an identity outside of SGT Konish's wife, H's mom, and a Federal employee...I have to be more...I have to be Sara Konish, and figure out what that really means!
I will keep you posted on the progress.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)