What do you do?

I haven't written in quite some time, some due to the lack of internet connection (order service on February 14th, received service March 28th)...I don't ever want to hear anyone complain about slow service again!

As many of you know, we have moved to Germany...I'm sure you are sick of hearing about it.  This post will probably not be very positive, I apologized now for that! 

Due to the move, I requested to be placed on Leave Without Pay (LWOP) from my job at Ft Knox...what that means is that I am still considered a Federal Government Employee, I am just not working.  The benefit to this is that I don't lose my status, I can get hired easier, and I keep my seniority.  Well, in theory.

I requested 90 days of LWOP to start on 1 February 2013.  I had applied for many jobs prior to coming over here, I had sent my resume to the director of the office here that is like my office at Knox, nothing.  Then the government ran out of money...great!  So no one was hiring...well, they were still announcing jobs, I was still applying, I was still kinda holding out hope to get picked up in the office here like the office in the states.  I requested to be registered for a program that helps spouses obtain employment quicker, it is like a priority consideration list.  Well, long story short, they don't do that here because they don't HAVE to.  UGH!  Then I found out that there was some not so nice stuff being said about me to the director here, so that would explain the reason I never heard back from him.  That makes me extremely frustrated as the information provided was about the time I was here last when my life was completely unstable and I was young and making a bunch of mistakes.  Since that time, I have gained knowledge, experience, and balance.  oh, well...to each their own.

Now I am applying for jobs, I was being a little picky, but then all stops were off because I needed something.  I was still being a little choosy in what I would apply for.  Well, my 90 days are up in 17 days, so I asked for an extension, 60 more days...I really asked for an extension until October, but she gave me 60 days.  That puts me to 3 July.  I haven't had an interview, a phone call, NOTHING!!!  I'm not quite sure why, but I am getting very frustrated.

So, I turn to my amazing mom for support, her advice is to enjoy the time I am home with H.  Yeah, that ended about 50 days ago!  I am not becoming bitter, feeling frustrated, useless, and abandoned.  I feel like I am not valuable enough to get a job, which makes me crazy.  I know I have great skills and I know I should be content where I am at, but it is not working very well for me.

I have said many times that I am not cut out to be a SAHM...people I know tell me that too, so I know it isn't just me.  I feel like I am a worse mother to H.  I feel like she may have more quantity time with me, but the quality has diminished.  I find myself unmotivated, unproductive, and slobby.  I take a shower just so that I don't feel like I have accomplished nothing when Rick comes home at night.

Yes, I cook, I take care of H, I provide her with love and support, teaching her life lessons (like how to pull your undies up and down), but I don't feel fulfilled, I don't feel useful, I don't feel like I am contributing to society, or the household.

Rick doesn't care really, he knows I want a job, not because we cannot make it on his pay, but because I find joy in working.  I find my identity in working.  Maybe that is the problem.  Maybe I am not getting any offers because I cannot identify myself with my job, I have to be more than just a job, mom or otherwise.  I have to find ME, not something else.  Ok, that is what I am going to work on and toward.  Finding an identity outside of SGT Konish's wife, H's mom, and a Federal employee...I have to be more...I have to be Sara Konish, and figure out what that really means!

I will keep you posted on the progress.