Two weeks ago we landed at Ramstein Air Force Base, Ramstein, Germany. I was ready for this new life, it was going to be totally different, but I was ready...so I thought.
I haven't worked since January 31st, well I haven't worked at a paying job. I took a 90 day leave of absence to accompany my military spouse to our new duty station...this is what they put on your personnel action when you do something like we are doing now. With that, it buys me 90 days to move, get settled, and find a job. That, or come off the rolls and have to start all over. At the end of the 90 days, it is as if I quit my job, the job I have loved for almost 8 years. The job I have become so good at and have taken such great pride in and found such great self worth doing. But, I digress.
I have a new job now (at least temporarily). I am a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM). If you have been reading my blog, you know this is quite a challenge for me. I have always prided myself on not being a SAHM, not because I thought it was weak or bad, or for people who could or wouldn't do anything else...or really just for hippies. I didn't want to do it because I knew I would be bad at it and I am not normally one to do things I know I won't be good at.
Enough of that, I have already talked about that before, so I will go on...
I have had some frustrating days here, the last two weeks. I have been super frustrated with pretty much everyone, Rick, Halaina, the personnel department, housing, no vehicle, everything and everyone. I have had to adjust to a new live, a new lifestyle, a new job, and a new place. I feel disjointed. I have been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately and I feel like my body is in two different places, needing to be shifted back together and pinned in place. Like I was thrown against a wall and hit my head and have to relearn everything again.
Today, I had a glimpse of grace and hope. Last week I was very upset and depressed. I didn't think I was doing anything right. I was failing as a mom, I was failing as a wife, I was failing as an employee (because I couldn't get a new job), and I wasn't doing as well in my class as I want to be. Well...today I think I became a better SAHM. I was irritated because I had to sleep in H's bed with her 1/2 the night, so I didn't get much sleep, so when she was up and excited at 8:00, I was irritated, I wanted more sleep. Then we watched some of her shows, she calmed down.
Last night I made a plan for what I wanted to do today. I wanted to: workout, go for a walk, do my homework, and finish Grey's. I have accomplished all but two things on my list. I worked out and finished Grey's.
I learned some things today. It is easier to workout when H is asleep because she likes to go between my legs while doing lunges and that causes a problem when I continue to step on her fingers over and over again. Zumba is better for her than bootcamp. She gets bored with it easier and goes to sit on the couch.
She really likes tortillas for lunch, not so much what she ate the night before for dinner. I know she gets that from me. I have a hard time eating things too many times in a row. I will have to be sure and not do that to her tomorrow.
Last night was the first time I got to shower alone. I didn't realize how much I missed that until this afternoon when we were showing and I heard the sentence no mother wants to hear while showering with their child.
"Momma"
"Yeah, baby?"
"I poopy"
"You pooped?"
"Yea!"
Ugh, a big turd in the shower! So, yes, I did spend 10 mins trying to get it to dissolve down the drain rather than pick it up with toilet paper and flush it down the toilet. All the while H was rubbing my tattoos...sometimes she thinks she needs to scrub them off.
We decided to have brinner tonight, breakfast for dinner. I started cooking the bacon. I have never really cooked bacon before and while I was doing it I realized i have no idea how my husband likes his bacon. So, I did my best. I learned I really want an apron (now that I really understand why women wear them...my mother never did). I also learned that you have to drain the grease between batches or you will burn the crap out of your hands.
When Rick got home, he decided to tell me he doesn't even like bacon. This could be seen by the bacon he picked out for me to cook (pretty much all fat). I said "What?? Why did you buy it then?" "Because whenever I see people cooking breakfast, they are cooking bacon." Yep, that's mine.
After dinner, I cleaned the kitchen, I have done laundry, and then it was time to just sit for a bit. Rick thanked me for the way the house looked like and said that I do have a lot of self worth stay home with H..."as long as I don't killer her".
Based on today, I am feeling better about being a SAHM. Granted, I am dying to get back to work, but I appreciated my child more today. I got to spend time with a tiny person, listen to her say "I Love You" every time I kiss her. Watching her put on her fairy wings and carry in a 1.5 liter bottle of water without spilling it, and poop in the shower with me. I love that little kid. She is growing up so fast, so I am glad I can spend this blink of an eye with her.
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