Love...it's a pretty simple word, but boy does it mean a whole lot. There are many forms of love, many faces, many meanings. I know that I love my husband, but what does that mean? Is it the same for everyone? Is there a "right" way to love?
Today at church, we were learning about love and how God is love. Without God, there is no love. That was pretty powerful to me. I know that I have love from God, but to think that God is love, is harder to grasp.
I have a confession to make. They talk about how mothers love their children even before they are born...well that is true, but it was a little different for me. It wasn't that I didn't love baby H, it was that I needed to focus on it. It was a little less fluid for me. It seems strange, but I think part of it was the fact that Rick wasn't here. I didn't want to get too attached to her because he wasn't here to share in her wonderfulness. I know that was a disservice, but I know I felt that way - although I don't think I realized it right away. I do remember sitting in the hospital thinking, I need to love you. Very strange.
As we grew together, it was a little easier, but it was still very strange. I know that I felt closer to him when I was with her, but it was still weird to me. When he came home for 2 weeks in July, it did get better, but I was still terrified of something happening to her and then where would we be.
Then, it comes back to the marriage. I have a very good friend who said something (well her husband said it) and it has stuck with me. He said, that the number 1 relationship is the marriage. You will love your children unconditionally, but if the marriage is good, the rest will fall into place. I agree with that. I can see it in our family.
We have a game where we have three way kisses, H loves it. She has started pushing our heads together to kiss each other lately, I know she wants us to be her model of a good marriage. I know she will never find anyone as good as her Daddy, but I know I also need to teach her how to be a wife that he deserves. This is much more difficult for me.
I am not the typical mom/wife. I work 40-50 hours/week, I go to graduate school, try to be involved in as much as I can (doesn't work out great sometimes). Then come home and become an example for a strong independent woman. How does that equate to a wife? I am working on that still. I have been working to become a more attentive wife.
Back to love...love, love, love. I say it very often, love is not enough. Sometimes I feel it is so easy to say the word without really thinking about what it truly means. What does love mean to you?
My dad is very stingy with the word, he would tell you that himself. We were talking one day about the song that says "overuse I love you", he disagrees strongly with that. He does make up for it a little with the comment "have I told you lately that I love you?" That it pretty sweet, but it is somewhat less conducive to the marriage relationship. My mom knows what to expect from him because they have been married for 45 years, but i know it does get to her sometimes.
The one thing that I have always pledged is that I do not want to be two people sharing an address. marriage is two way street. There are always ups and downs, but if you are both committed to serving the other, it really does work better.
While reading the book The Power of a Praying Wife, the very first chapter talks about how if you want him to change, be willing to change first. It is easier for you to change yourself than to try an change someone else. That being said, I have noticed that when I back away and stop nagging, it is more helpful. I have also noticed that when I serve him, he serves me. I didn't think that would happen, so I didn't do it for a long time. It does work.
I got a book for our wedding from a very good family friend and she wrote a little note in it that has really changed my life, the book did as well. I think of her a lot like myself and she talked about letting her husband be the man and respecting him for his position in the family. She said it was so hard because she always thought that allowing him to be that person would be admitting weaknesses. I felt that way. Now, I know it is a continual process, but we are working as a team, loving each other, respecting each other, and being happy together.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Stress part 1
I haven't blogged in a little while, maybe that is one of the reasons I am so stressed. I have so much in this head!
Today, I got our Christmas cards in the mail, I am so excited!!! I have to write our Christmas letter so that I can get these in the mail!
I completed two baby blankets last week, but they still have to get mailed.
I have been so busy with life. We are getting ready to move and that is so stressful. It is even more stressful when going overseas and dealing with the Army move. H is going to love it, but we have to get through the transition first. One thing that makes me so sad about the move is that I am going to wait to potty train H until we get to Germany so that we don't have to deal with regression. I know I will not have patience with regression.
More about the stress! I am finishing up the quarter for school. I have to get an A on the last two assignment in order to get an A in the class...that gives me major anxiety because one of the assignments is a group project and we got a B on the last one!
In about a week, I turn 30! I remember around this time last year, my friend Sarah started freaking out about her 30th (which didn't come until January). I was doing fine with it until December 1st. Ugh! Then I was talking to my mom and she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told her not to be 30! I know I should worry about it and I am still so young, but boy does it feel like a turning point in my life. I still have 32 years of work left, so that isn't very encouraging. I do want another child though and that gives me anxiety thinking about how old I will be when he/she graduates from high school. But my mom was 34, so I can do this.
I have to say that my life is probably better than I expected it to be at 30. When you are a kid, you are going to be married, out of college, with a job, and at least one kid by 22...I accomplished one of those things. I graduated college at 22, and had a job, so I guess that was 2. I didn't get married until 25 and becoming a mother until 28. I know that isn't old, but when you are the oldest new mother on the maternity floor, it kinda hits you.
I feel like there is no excuse for being immature or making stupid decisions because we are grown and need to be true adults. I know that is also very stupid, but yet how I feel.
I am going to have to continue to work on letting go. There is nothing I can do to stop December 14th from getting here. I cannot do anything to stop time, or even slow it down. So I am going to enjoy what I have and look forward to what will come. I have an amazing family, job, life. I am going to take a few deep breaths, pour myself a glass of wine and continue watching the Wonder Pets with my little family.
Today, I got our Christmas cards in the mail, I am so excited!!! I have to write our Christmas letter so that I can get these in the mail!
I completed two baby blankets last week, but they still have to get mailed.
I have been so busy with life. We are getting ready to move and that is so stressful. It is even more stressful when going overseas and dealing with the Army move. H is going to love it, but we have to get through the transition first. One thing that makes me so sad about the move is that I am going to wait to potty train H until we get to Germany so that we don't have to deal with regression. I know I will not have patience with regression.
More about the stress! I am finishing up the quarter for school. I have to get an A on the last two assignment in order to get an A in the class...that gives me major anxiety because one of the assignments is a group project and we got a B on the last one!
In about a week, I turn 30! I remember around this time last year, my friend Sarah started freaking out about her 30th (which didn't come until January). I was doing fine with it until December 1st. Ugh! Then I was talking to my mom and she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told her not to be 30! I know I should worry about it and I am still so young, but boy does it feel like a turning point in my life. I still have 32 years of work left, so that isn't very encouraging. I do want another child though and that gives me anxiety thinking about how old I will be when he/she graduates from high school. But my mom was 34, so I can do this.
I have to say that my life is probably better than I expected it to be at 30. When you are a kid, you are going to be married, out of college, with a job, and at least one kid by 22...I accomplished one of those things. I graduated college at 22, and had a job, so I guess that was 2. I didn't get married until 25 and becoming a mother until 28. I know that isn't old, but when you are the oldest new mother on the maternity floor, it kinda hits you.
I feel like there is no excuse for being immature or making stupid decisions because we are grown and need to be true adults. I know that is also very stupid, but yet how I feel.
I am going to have to continue to work on letting go. There is nothing I can do to stop December 14th from getting here. I cannot do anything to stop time, or even slow it down. So I am going to enjoy what I have and look forward to what will come. I have an amazing family, job, life. I am going to take a few deep breaths, pour myself a glass of wine and continue watching the Wonder Pets with my little family.
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